God always found wanting

The Lord is My Shepherd I shall not want

This quote from Psalm 23 is perhaps the most famous line in the entire bible. Certainly the first one I learnt by heart. Looking back, maybe my skeptic mind was being developed even as  a five year old learning this. The line just didn't make any sense. Why would the Lord not be wanted? Isn't the whole point that we need to trust him to get what we want? It was years later that it was explained to me that 'want' in that context means I shall not lack for for anything that I need. Of course, that only made slightly more sense since bible believing Christians lack the things that they need all the time. Anyway, we all know that finding a sentence in the bible that does not contradict something else in the book or  in the observed world is about as easy as getting a camel through the eye of a needle. So, no need for worry here.

What I have been recognising recently is that apart from Christians being full of wants, God himself is found wanting right through the bible.  From what I hear from the sermons on the radio and television we are finding him more wanting every day. God might not have succumbed to the temptations in the wilderness but I heard during holy week about  many things God wants . He wants us to worship him. He wants us to accept him as our Lord and Saviour. He wants us to have sex only in certain ways with certain people. He wants us to go to heaven and not hell. He wants that we keep his commandments. He wants us to have faith. Yes, there are so many things that God wants us to do. And that in large part is why Christians  observe and practice the rituals the way they do. It's done like that because God wants it like that.

However, this whole 'want' thing  leaves me just as confused today as I was learning that Psalm 23 at age five. How can God want anything?  It can't be want as in having a lack of something because he is a God, a god can't lack for anything, can he? Of course when we say 'want' in the usual context it means desire. But still this poses more problems. How can God have desires?  To many in the faith this would seem a strange question. We all have desires, things we want to achieve and things we do our utmost to make become reality. Why would God be any different? Well, that's just the point, God is different.Those omni properties change everything. An all powerful God or even a supremely powerful one must be able to get what he wants especially when it relates to his creation. If God wants it surely he can get it. How could any lowly human being like us possibly resist him? If we are not following him it must be that it's his will to have it that way.

On the other side of the coin, I often  get told what God doesn't want. God doesn't want anybody to go to hell, I hear. That would seem to be an easy problem to fix. Eliminate hell and nobody will go there, simple. If you don't want a child to get shot when playing in the shed at your home where you keep your weapons, you remove all the guns you have from inside . Seems like a no brainer, but a no brainer that seems to have eluded God's grasp so far. Right about this point, the believer yells " Free will ! Free will!"  Well, if that's the reason some of  must go then it would have to be that God doesn't REALLY want the hell prevention.

We all know that if we REALLY want something no way that something like preserving free will ever stands in the way. We want less fatal accidents on the road we put in stipulations for sear belt wearing, that physically restrains people's bodies. Doesn't mean people must drive like robots though. We might have speed limits as well as seat belts  but we  have freedom still to go where we like , take any road we want once we follow the basic rules. Somehow in the curious faith world, God the maker of heaven and earth can't find an ideal balance between  freedom and protecting us from mortal danger. There seemingly is no system of reward and punishment that he can come up with that does not require the use of a torture chamber. But that's simply impossible, how can God can't? There is no way out, if God has the power to do anything, and hell exists he must be in favour of  it.

So the bottom line is this, if God is all powerful he cannot possible want anything more than what he has. The world as it is today must be exactly how he wants it to be now. So anytime a believer says, " God wants you to......." it doesn't matter what comes next its 'game over.' If God wants something for any more than a split second without getting it ,that means he is not God. It just doesn't add up that a God needs our help in order to achieve. Humans need help to get where they want to be, God the Almighty does not. The fact is that we so much want or God to be like us that we make him want, to be like us. Our wants become his. And we humans want so much, that our God is found at the end of our Holy Books just as wanting as we are.

Once we start on this wanting cycle we can't help ourselves. Not just God but the entire religion becomes about wants. We want to go to heaven, we want there to be an ultimate cosmic justice, we want there to be an external meaning of life, we want to live forever, we want there to be a guardian angel protecting us, we even want there to be a devil  in hell so we can feel euphoria that we triumphed over him, but of course most of all we want there to be a God.

Atheist meets Mormon Missionary: My in- flight discussion with Elder Troy

An atheist and a mormon were sitting together on a plane. Sorry, I wish I had a witty punch line to follow that but this, my friends, is no joke. It happened this week during my trip through the Caribbean, en route from Guadeloupe to Antigua. I always make a point of getting know a little bit about the person I am sitting next to when I am  on a plane. It adds to the whole travel experience. But when this young, white man dressed in the traditional black and white with his "Jesus Christ Church of the Latter Day Saints"  name tag, took up the seat next to me  I knew I was in for something different.

I sat and watched him settle into his seat with his Book of Mormon in hand and wondered if this little LIAT plane could handled such a potentially combustible combination of characters side by side. If that wasn't enough we were seated by the emergency exit and would have been called upon to work together in the event of  something untoward happening. Wow, that would have been a story if we had been called upon to pool our skills to save the day.

Well before I could even say a "hello" to my mormon neighbour, I knew I would be in for a fun ride . This guy was quick to announce himself to all around him and you could see he was not just another passenger. As is typical with mormons he was travelling with a companion but his colleague was sitting the row behind and the one sat next to me hardly seem to notice him. It was like he was trying to establish his own identity he was in his world a 'freethinker.' His name was Elder Troy.

Breaking down the stereotype

They say that the easiest way to break down a stereotype of a group is to take the time and really get to know a member of that group in a personal way. Even in the first minute and a half of meeting him he was breaking down a few mormon myths I had. I have always seen mormons walking through neighbourhoods dressed in pristine white shirts and silky black ties. Two blank faces staring like androids from a sci-fi movie, stalking the next unsuspecting victim looking to send them into a hypnotic trance and leave him droning, " I believe, I believe, take me to your master."But Elder Troy was nothing like that, he just oozed personality and it struck me he could be the life and soul of any party and he clearly had a wicked sense of humour to boot.

When the attractive Barbadian flight attendant was  handing out the brochure with the details on how to handle the emergency exit, Elder Troy gave a wry smile. The lady asked him that cursory question that you get in all flights once you are seated in such positions. " Would you be willing to assist in the event of an emergency?" Troy looked up and his smile got even broader. " Lady, I would be very happy to assist you even if there is NOT an emergency. I would be VERY happy to help you in any any way that I can during this flight!" I just about fell out of my seat in spite of having a tightly buckled seat belt on. This was too much. Did I really just witness a Mormon missionary hitting on a LIAT flight attendant?

The Curious Missionary
It struck me as I looked more closely at Troy that he was Elder in name but certainly not in nature. He turned to me an actually asked me many questions about myself. Where I was from and what I was doing in the Caribbean. I spoke to him about the energy project I was involved in.  He responded with excitement  "Oh energy, you mean like kinetic energy?"  he responded while punching the air in front of  him to demonstrate that he understood the concept that kinetic meant moving energy. A bit of a strange way to look at it but energy transformations usually involve some kind of movement, even solar if you look at it at the atomic level. So I responded with, "Yes, I suppose so." I spoke a bit more and mentioned something about geothermal energy. Ted laughed and told me that when I said geothermal energy he wondered if I meant energy that you  can capture in a flask or a bottle. This was an awkward moment, I was not sure if Troy was making a joke here or if it was just that he was ignorant in the subject, so I just smiled and then went on to explain what I did some more and he seemed quite intrigued. He then got  more serious  in discussion and explained to me that he was really very limited in his exposure to many things. He was not allowed even to watch TV or go on the internet very often to learn things. So even though he was 21 he felt like he was just a novice not just as a missionary novice but a total novice in life.

The Heineken Church
At that moment I felt a bit sorry for Troy but I also realised I had a great opportunity to share with him. "Do you enjoy your missionary work?" I asked him. He said that it was fun but he once again mentioned about his lack of exposure in other areas and he acknowledged that this was a challenge in many interactions with persons because they were often more informed than him and had a broader view. He then asked me a bit about my upbringing church wise. I told him I was raised in the Anglican church which over the roar of the engines   sounding to him that I was saying the "Heineken Church." Now that might not be a bad place of worship, I would drink to that. We both had a good laugh at that one.

I then thought it was about time I came clean on where I am now so I told him I was an atheist. His response was surprising, " Oh,  I know." he said casually. This stumped me, I wasn't wearing my 'A' pin at that time and as far as I could remember I hadn't said anything ungodly. Then he pointed to my i-phone which I was holding in my hand. "I saw that you were listening to something there called the Atheist Experience." I looked down and sure enough the name of the program was there etched in big white lettering on a dark blue background. During this period of travel it is very difficult for me to catch the show live or even in the days following its airing. I have therefore taken to downloading the podcasts on to my phone and listening to them while in flight. It has been great listening to Matt, Tracie, Russell and Jen battle out with  people like Mark from Austin Stone church  while I am 30,000 feet in the air. Nothing better than listening to reason when all that is between you and the ground below is two propellers and some jet fuel. Contrary to popular belief it is clear rational thinking that helps you in emergencies not " a wing and a prayer."

Anyway, after  that moment that Ted  caused me to glance at my phone I started chuckling again. Yes, he got me. He knew all along what I was he was just humouring me, waiting for me to tell him. Indeed since LIAT has open seating Troy  might have sat next to me deliberately after he saw AE on my phone just to have this conversation. By now I knew Troy was a curious traveller and he was just fascinated by the concept of The Atheist Experience. "What do they do there? What's it all about ? How does one get to have the atheist experience?" The questions kept coming thick and fast. Troy said that after he saw the title on my phone  he had visions of non believers going on to a show and being asked to choose between competing religions. I suppose he thought that an atheist was just somebody who hadn't found the right religion yet.

I, of course relished the opportunity to explain  'Atheist Experience' to Troy. This was as great a chance as I had ever had to 'evangalise.' Believe it or not this entire exchange  happened before the plane even left the ground , because I remember the flight attendant breaking our conversation at that moment to announce that the flight was about to take off and flying time would be approximately 20 minutes.  So many times in my life I had been on those long trans Atlantic flights or those across the North American continent wondering how on earth I would pass the hours. Now I had serious godless missionary work to complete and all I had was 20 minutes. But there it was, that was the time I was given to build on Troy's curiosity to sow some seeds of doubt. No, I was not looking for an instant conversion but there are enough ex mormons in the atheist movement to give me some hope.  You never know, Elder Troy  mormon missionary today could be host of 'Irreligiosophy' tomorrow.

Anyway in fairness, the curiosity went both ways. Already Troy had opened my mind by his willingness to engage me in honest conversation and was every moment breaking down some of my own stereotypes. This had the potential to be a great learning experience for us both. It was certainly the first time I had had a discussion with a mormon and I am quite sure this was his first encounter with an open atheist as well. So, I just got right to it. I told him that Atheist Experience was actually  a call in show where theists were encouraged to call in and try to justify their belief in God. Troy seemed a bit confused by this concept so I thought the best way to explain what the show was about was to actually just enact the show right there.  When I told him that  we would play 'Atheist Experience' right here he beamed. " Oh, I am so honoured to be here " he exclaimed. I told him the pleasure was all mine and then I put on my Matt Dillahunty hat and went to work.

Atheist Experience in the Air

This was not going to be a one hour show so I went straight for the jugular. "Why do you believe a God exists?"I asked. Troy for the first time since he entered the flight cabin was speechless. " That's a very good question," was his eventual reply. That was a poignant moment and a response I didn't expect. AE callers regardless of the quality of the reasons they give always have something to offer up to the hosts. Here was a man whose life to this point was all about spreading the gospel,  a man who I had come into contact while he was still dressed in uniform right in the middle of his work day.  Yet, he had no ready reply to this most basic of theological questions. It was to me equivalent to a doctor having no response when asked  why he thinks its a good thing to prescribe medicines for patients with ailments.

Troy did after mulling over the question for a while, go on to talk about his father who was a devout member of the Church of the Latter Day Saints. He spoke of how wonderfully supportive his Dad was and how much love he showed and what a wonderful role model he was. He said that having that earthly experience he could only begin to imagine how so much more magnificent his heavenly father would have to be. I was glad to hear Troy speak so glowingly about his father but I had to point out that I saw this argument as an argument from metaphor. It was just a quantum leap to jump from something you experience in an earthly sphere to assume that the same or something greater must of necessity exist in the heavens. I think he got this point but I sensed he felt I was cheapening the deep relationship he had with his dad by suggesting the love and respect they shared was merely something human.

Christianity I- Pad 2

Troy went on to say how much he saw the words of God reflected in all the love and beauty around us. Then he turned to his text. He began thumbing through the Book of  Mormon that he had in his hands all this time.
"This is the Holy Book. It is something like the bible but it has much more!" He looked at me with excitement and seemed surprised that I was not that moved. I realised that what happened there was that he was using a technique on me that he would use on the people he usually met, ie Christians. Christians even of the casual agnostic type you sometimes find in the Caribbean are generally impressed by people who show respect for the bible and its teachings. I don't think that at that point he had put together that ' it's like the bible' is not a phrase that would endear me to his product. So he continued pushing his book as if it was a bible with new and enhanced features the equivalent of  a 'Christianity I Pad 2.'

Circular Reasoning with the Angel Moroni

He went to the end of the book and started to read to me out loud from what I discovered was a Portuguese translation. I was very impressed with Troy's linguistic skills. Clearly he could proselytise in many languages. His English was flawless, he had just come from Guadeloupe where he had been speaking to the people in the street in French and now he was demonstrating he could easily handle Portuguese as well. However, by his own admission the language of science and evidence  was still very foreign to him. He started reading the words of the angel Moroni. " Oh , I know of him'." I replied. " You have heard of the  Angel Moroni!!!"  You could almost hear Troy's scream above the engines. He looked shocked that I would know of someone so prominent in his faith and then slightly perplexed that I would know of him and still not follow him. It is a bit like how so many Christians can't understand how a person could know of Jesus and the story  of the resurrection yet still reject him. " Moroni was just such an awesome guy !" he went on to tell me all about the revelation , I didn't want to interrupt him with a " No, no, no you're done!" so I waited patiently until he finished, even as I was recognising that time was starting to run out. Once he ended I followed up, " But how do you know that this is true? Why do you take this book as an authority?" He told me to hold on and continued to read the verses that came after. I smiled , it was the same as the biblical fundamentalist. The all in one package deal; claim and proof of claim neatly bound together in the same literary work. It all came down in the end to the fact that if you asked God he would tell you that the Angel Moroni was telling the truth.

I sighed, there was so much I could have said but I had to start my rebuttals or I would never be able to make a point before we landed . I could already feel the plane starting its descent. I told Troy that what he was doing was just circular reasoning. It just doesn't work to use one book to prove itself. I told him that for me I was quite prepared to accept that the supernatural was possible but once I entered the realm of faith there was simply no method available to me to separate the true from the false.  To choose any faith position and reject others would therefore be a purely arbitrary process. I explained that I couldn't determine truth through what made me feel good or because I had a devout father  that believed these things. To discover truth I had to use the only method that gives reliable answers and that was the scientific method. There was just simply no other way out there to use. I added that things like love in the world and beauty could be explained in purely natural terms without the need of a creator. I  emphasised the point that  the universe would be no less awesome just because a God didn't do it. Surprisingly to me he nodded in agreement. As the wheels  extending from the plane in preparation for landing I felt quite happy I thought that in those few minutes I had sown some seeds of doubt that Troy would go on to reflect on some more. Who knows where that will take him? I thought.

You don't want a God to exist

Then my bubble burst. Troy said the following, " So you don't believe in a God because you don't want there to be a God." This statement just floored me. How could Troy have come to this conclusion based on what I had argued? I am still trying to wrap my mind around this. So often theists think we atheists are just consciously making a choice to reject. " NO!" I said. " It's absolutely not the case. I am just searching for the truth. Whether there is a nice God, a horrible God or no God. I just want to find out. What I want to be true just doesn't come in to the equation. If the God is going to throw me into eternal hell I won't be happy but I'd still like to find out if that is so." Troy seemed to finally get it but I can't really be sure.

Everything happened by chance?
Less than a minute later, I looked out of the window and was able catch a glimpse of the world famous harbour in St. John's, the lovely greenery inland and the beautiful  supposedly 365 beaches along the coastline."So that all happened by chance." Troy said grinning. I shook my head, this was a cheeky last blow before the bell by Elder Troy. No way I could possibly explain my view about how all those things came to be  now. We were a mere seconds from touching down on the tarmac  at this point. So I agreed but stated there was some natural selection, man made contributions and other geological and cosmological elements. Not sure Troy was convinced with my answer this time but that was all I could do for now. I however thanked him so much for what was the most memorable and enjoyable discussion on a flight I could remember. We both rued the fact that the trip was so short. I wished him the best of luck and gave him my card and the link to  this blog . I really hope that Troy pays a visit sometime.

Troy, if you are reading this, maybe you can call in one day and have the authentic Texan 'Atheist Experience.' Matt and Co. are likely to bring your God down to earth with evidence and reasoning far better than I ever could have done on that day when we were cruising together above the clouds.

Atheist in the pew: The return to my church in Barbados

It was always going to be the real test. How would I handle the return to my home church in Barbados? Over the last two years in Canada I wondered how it would be. I had some friends who had told me that my atheism was culture dependent. They were convinced that my focus on reason and critical thinking was just because I was in Canada and had found a community of like minded people. Once back in Barbados with friends and family showing me the love of the Lord, I would revert  immediately to my old ways.

I knew that I could not avoid going to church on coming back to Barbados. In fact I was quite happy to go back to the place I once used to call my 'Jerusalem.' The question was when to go, I wasn't exactly in a hurry. In the end it turned out that it was not a decision I had to make . In the greatest of ironies, only minutes after making that  huge decision  to declare my atheism to the world that I talked about in my last blog post, I received a call from a close friend in Barbados who had heard I was coming into the island. She asked if I would play a solo for them on Sunday for the youth service. It was a strange feeling to say the least. She was talking to the 2009 version of me. The one that would give his time to play music to any organisation that had the spreading of the "good news" as its mandate. Her excitement on my return was palpable and I just could not say "no." In a way, I was happy that she asked me because it took away the uncertainty of when to return to church and it would be good to take part in the service like I had done so many times over the years.

The joy of being a part of it

I have reflected since my deconversion that the reason that so many people remain in their faith is because
they have things that they do in the church that keep them busy. Singing in the choir, serving at the altar, sitting on the church council, all require time, effort and commitment. Once you are doing these things there is little time to think about the philosophy or doctrine. There is satisfaction in church from simply taking on a task, doing it well and being recognised for it. It is very much like how we are at work. We often follow what we are assigned to do with little thought as to even whether we ought to have been given the project in the first place. So, as a church musician I just wanted to give my best every time and make those people listening to me happy. When I succeeded there were few feelings more satisfying.

So there it was, I would be playing at church on my first Sunday back in Barbados.On the morning in question I felt more nervous than I had ever felt before on entering the church, perhaps with the exception of my wedding day. I suppose it was due to the fact that I had anticipated this moment so much. Some nerves went away when there were so many embraces of welcome I got from people that I had known years before.The warm greetings from brothers and sisters in the faith. The next thing that hit me as the 8:00 am starting hour came closer was the numbers. This was the usual 150 odd members that I had played in front of many times but it felt like so many more. I guess it was because it had been  a couple of years since I had performed solo in front of such a large number of people, yet it was just church, regular church. Much as people talk about the 'feel good' draw of religion so much of the strength is in the raw numbers. Just being part of a community like that can lift a person.

I looked around the church as it filled up and I couldn't help smiling. I realised how much I had visualised these images and sounds over the last year. Quite a few of the posts on this blog were written while I had this place firmly in mind. Indeed, the stories of one or two in the congregation were actually the basis for some of the writings. I wondered how they would feel if they knew that the story of their lives was being used to encourage people away from the faith.

Hopscotch through the pages

Well, before I knew it, the service was under way and the liturgy  proceeded just as I remembered. It was a weird feeling recognising that the familiar was now so unfamiliar. Those who grew up in Anglicanism know that one of the most challenging parts of the service is following in the book with the liturgy. It's a nightmare if you don't know your way around. Sometimes you are required to go from something like page 50 to120 then back to  page 76. However, today I just didn't bother to even open the book. It was not in protest or a demonstration of a lack of interest. I just wanted to listen to what was being said and take it in. It struck me that making following the service like a hopscotch game was another way to make the congregation not pay attention to what is on the page. It's difficult to think about what you are reading when you are trying to figure out what page to turn to next.

Robotic Liturgy

The first thing that caught my attention as the liturgy started was how dead and dreary everything seemed. The drone of the monotonous voices was like that of my refrigerator that I am hearing as I write this. I wondered  how I had managed to survive this every Sunday morning for so many years. I thought about that common christian apologetic that says God gave us free will because he doesn't want to create us to be like robots. But " Data" from the old Star Trek series would have been decidedly animated compared to what I was seeing here. In fact the first excitement I heard in the service was an exclamation from a parishioner after the recitation of the words " hallelujah, hallelujah" . " No!" she protested audibly under her breath. " We shouldn't be saying hallelujah during Lent!" I thought " Wow!" to myself. Apart from the lack of critical thinking that religion promotes it creates worry over things that are just so trivial.

Anyway all was not lost. We still had hymns, surely at least I could enjoy those. Yes, there were a couple of my favourites in there. Nice reflective tunes that I had sung many times before and always enjoyed. But again, today was different. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to say that " He is the Potter I am the clay" or " all other ground is sinking sand."I now recognised that so many of these hymns were songs of total submission. You are basically saying to God, " Please do all my thinking for me." So in order to enjoy the tunes and not say something against my beliefs, I just sang the hymns to "la-la" right through. Must have really confused the congregation around me. Too bad though, it was really the best that I could do.

Was the  sermon meant for me?

Well, the sermon was the next thing on the cards. It was a long time since I had heard one of these. I wondered if it would resonate with me at all. The theme was escaping from 'inside the box'. The pastor's point  was that  so many of us think or behave in certain ways because society or cultures pressure us to be like that. He challenged the congregation to not let society put them 'in boxes' and confine their way of thinking. My jaw dropped. Could this message have been any more applicable to me? I was just given in the first twenty minutes of his sermon a synopsis of exactly what I had done. I had made that decision to not let my culture or background confine what I thought or believed. How great to have such a ringing endorsement this Sunday morning. Hey, I felt like shouting " Hallelujah!" myself.

Unfortunately the message didn't end there. Yes, there is always a catch in Christianity. According to the reverend, God was the only one capable of taking you 'out of the box.' No, he didn't say God can help us escape our boxes, he said God was the only one that could move us. God had all the power and we could only get out of boxes if it was His will to take us out. If he wanted to, he could miraculously change us regardless of our internal attitudes or mindset. He could give us the strength. In summary, we need to take responsibility for improving ourselves but at the same time God is the only one who is capable of making us better people. I think this is the core contradiction that appears in almost all religions. The message that tells us that we CAN do it and we CAN'T do it at the same time.

Anyway, I had to cut my analysis short because the moment of truth was at hand. It was my turn to face the congregation. My role in the service was to play the song for " reflection." Something that would put the congregation in the mood to prayerfully consider the message they had just heard. It was a very poignant moment when I walked up to the front to render the " Ave Maria." Caught up in the emotion of the moment I began to play. I had only arrived in Barbados days earlier so there was no chance to arrange any accompaniment so the sound of my clarinet was the only sound breaking the silence. I took my time and really tried to put out of my mind thoughts of what I believed or didn't believe  now. I reminisced on how often I had played this song for these very people and was still happy that in spite of moving away from them on a spiritual level I could still connect with them personally through the music. The tone of a clarinet note after all does not come combined with doctrine or dogma.
 
The note that changed the way I played


It seemed that a sea of these thoughts and reflections were going through my mind while I was playing, then something happened that just broke the flow of everything. Out of nowhere, a shrill high pitch squeak came out of my instrument. It was a bit of a shock to the system for me, I can't remember  ever playing a note over the twenty plus years I performed in that church that went awry so badly. Anyway, that immediately got me to put all the thoughts of the enormity of the occasion out of my head and just concentrate on playing the music,  getting my technique right and making sure I finished the piece with no further flaws. So from that moment on it was all about getting the notes right. I am delighted to say that it all went beautifully after that point and the mistake I made earlier in the piece was probably the wake up that I needed. The congregation it seemed were quite happy with what they had seen and heard. Interestingly no-one seemed to react to the mistake at all. Maybe they didn't hear it or perhaps they just didn't think it was a big deal. I sat back down after doing my bit in the service and was still thinking about THAT  note. Maybe I just got carried away and pushed it too hard. I could have taken a bit more time to warm up, perhaps it was partly the change in weather conditions from Canada and not taking enough time to assess the reed I was using.

It struck me as I kept thinking, that what happened during the song I just rendered was not unlike what had happened over my life coming out of faith. The piece I had just played had two parts divided by that screeching note. Similarly in my faith journey I had been brought to a screeching halt when I realised the disharmony between faith and reason. The realisation that God was not real was truly the note that had broken the peace back then.

Before I came to that monumental moment of disbelief I was, just like I did this morning, playing on the emotion of it all. I was simply feeling the music. After the dissonance came during the music I had just played,  I changed my priorities and concentrated on getting the technical details right. That was the same thing that happened when I realised that something was wrong in my belief system, I changed to concentrate on what technically made sense rather than getting taken up by emotion. That is not to say that concentrating on technical details meant throwing emotion out of the window. Indeed, this morning when I started to focus on the notes themselves, it was with a view of using them to create emotion. In determining what notes to lengthen and by how much, how long to to play in the lower register or when to bring in the diminuendos I was consciously creating the emotion of the music for the enjoyment of the listener rather than just playing by feel without thinking. The music, I hope, was beautiful both at the beginning and the end. And so it is when we compare living by faith with living without it. The output at the end of the day is just as sweet when we switch the melody and allow the mind to lead the heart.

Happy to play along

Later in the service I decided to play along with some of the hymns with the organist.  It gave me the chance not to have to sing the songs , the lyrics of most of them were now problematic for me. It gave me also the opportunity  to enjoy my playing and make up for the earlier error and finally it gave me a chance to be doing something during the communion so that my lack of participation  in the sacrament was not conspicuous. This was a relief, because I really thought I would not be being true to myself if I went up to partake of the 'body and blood 'of Jesus. At the same time I didn't want to create any controversy by refusing to go up to the altar when ushered to do so.

All in all things went well in the service after that, not withstanding the final hymn being the very famous but doctrinally disturbing, ' Onward Christian Soldiers Marching as to War.' Still an exciting tune to play though, and of course very stirring as so many songs written for the military are. I did feel a bit guilty for enjoying playing it so much, but there is little we can do to curb our bodies natural response to music. Well at least when it comes to us people of  Caribbean descent.

Final Thoughts

So, that was the story. It wasn't so bad being an atheist in the pew after all. And for those people who were skeptical about my skepticism in the face of my home religion and church community, I am happy to report that I have passed that test. Absolutely no desire to return to 'faithland.' My abiding image of the morning will be the looks on the faces of the congregation during the sermon. People really looked like there were just bodies in pews. No smiles on faces, no nodding of agreement  if they liked a  point being made or concerned looks on faces if they couldn't follow the line of argument, no notes being kept in order to ask questions after the talk was over.  That is the kind of listener behaviour I am used to now when I hear speakers in Canada. There was none of that here today. It was as if the congregation were in some sort of adult detention.  Being forced to listen to and recite lines now in order be allowed to play in heaven later. It just seems so sad  to spend so many hours of a life so short doing something that is  giving you neither entertainment nor enlightenment.

There was one other moment in that service that will stay with me forever. It happened when I looked up at the cross which hangs high up on the wall in front of the church. Over the years, I had looked upon it regularly. It was something I used to ' lift up mine eyes'  to, for encouragement. Today, I almost  fell out of my chair observing a lady staring intensely at it while earnestly belting out one of  the hymns.

"Oh my God !" I thought to myself, " That woman is singing to a piece of wood!"

Oh What 'A' Week!

It's hard to know where to begin and end with this blog post. So much  happened to me last week. It was without doubt the defining week of my non-believer journey so far. The week during  which I came out "to the world" as an atheist. It all started with the thrill of being included as one of  Greta Christina's prominent atheists of colour.  In preparing that list for publication, Greta graciously asked me whether I preferred to be listed as caribatheist or under my actual name. It was not a very easy question to answer and I gave it a lot of thought. The truth is that I had been thinking about this issue of "coming out" as an atheist for a long time and over the last month or so the desire to be "out" had almost become overwhelming.

The longer I have been involved in this freethinking movement and read and listened to the stories of atheists who have made a break from religion, the more inspired I have become. I found myself wanting to challenge myself fully and follow them in a more emphatic way. Sometimes I even felt angry about having to  keep my new found passion to myself. I see and hear people everyday sharing the things they love with the world. The desire to fight for rights of women, children and other marginalised groups is lauded. The promotion of environmental protection and  preservation of endangered species are also considered  honourable causes. It just seems unfair that those of us that choose as our cause the  promotion of evidence, logic and critical thinking have to face vitriol.

What's wrong with "negative" atheism?

I have often heard that the problem with  we atheists is that we are too negative. Promotion of reason is a goal worth pursuing but why do we have to go about tearing down others' dearly held faith? We are told we must promote positive atheism. It  is a strange criticism because there are so many organisations that are framed in the negative. The RSPCA, RSPCC, organisations against racial discrimination and groups fighting against abuse of women are  all "anti" organisations. They are not organisations that promote something "in the positive", they promote improvement through preventing or discouraging something that is negative. Atheists are doing the same, promoting better through reducing  brain contamination that comes from accepting supernatural phenomena without supporting evidence. Promoting reason means fighting against non science, anti evidence and anti logic and these phenomena against reason are gift wrapped within the guise of religion. It's as simple as that. So, I don't think going out there and being identified and displaying an 'A' is being absurd as one commentator put it. It is just as important to stand up for want you don't believe in as to go out there on the frontline for what you believe.To me, atheists have as much right to be heard as any other organisation that has a mandate to rid itself of activities that inhibit social development.

In reflecting on these things my conviction to "come out" just got more and more intense. When I started this blog I was just trying to come to terms with not believing and adjusting to living a life without God. Now, I feel that non belief for me cannot be a passive thing. I feel I must act against the further propagation of faith and religious thinking. Atheism has become a core value of mine and I consider it necessary to engage that passion. I don't see why I should be prohibited to tell others about it. Not as an intent to impose my views but simply to let people know an important part of who I am. To present myself to someone and hide away my lack of faith is to present someone or something that is not fully me.

An instrumental taboo

I don't think that is a overstatement. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I was forbidden to go public about another passion of mine, my music. How would I have survived over the years if I had to be an anonymous instrumentalist? If people could only hear my music if I locked myself backstage or played into a remote mike at an undisclosed location? What if people told me that flaunting my saxophone in public was an insult to my family and the country in which I was raised? What if I was told that under no circumstances could I have sax on a date with someone's daughter? Supposed I had to lie and say that my clarinet case had a camera inside in order for people to let me into a party or social gathering?  What if I had to pretend in  public that I didn't know the drummer in my  band for fear of being called evil by association? What if I was not able to "like" any type of  music on facebok for fear of a mass "unfriending?"  What if I had to  scroll down an internet  page quickly for fear someone woud catch a glimpse of a title on my screen saying,
"Songs written in minor keys are not great" ? Suppose I had to remain silent about what I did on the weekend for fear of offending people by saying I was on  stage  at the local Carifest? What if I had to worry about my job and future career prospects if someone discovered a woodwind reed in my pocket?  Having to undergo any of those things for the love of music would be close to torture and would make life almost unbearable. I could never stand for any of that in pursuing my music and I resolved that I could not continue to stand for that with regard to my atheism either.

Looking for the "coming out" moment

So, I knew I had to come out. I also agree with the philosophy that the more of us that are out there the easier it becomes for others to make themselves known; especially for those of us in the black community. I knew I had to do it  but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I have for over a year been toying with doing the electronic version of the Dan Barker strategy. Send out an email copied to all the important people in my life. E-convert  to deconvert. It was tempting because that would probably be the cleanest and quickest way to do it. Compose an email  explaining I no longer believed and just get on with my life unhindered by the dogma. I did actually write that  email , but after a year it still remains in the "drafts" folder. I think the reason I never pressed " send" was because of the instantaneous nature of emails. In the 80s when we had to rely on the postal system, I am sure I would have gotten responses drifting in at a  reasonable rate over time Not so in 2011.

In the instant email world, I had fears of waking up next morning with 200 emails  asking me what happened , or facing networks formed overnight with the mandate of organising prayer meetings to try to get me back. I really thought the best method was to have a more controlled movement. Try to get a smooth landing into "out" atheism rather than hitting the ground with a jolting thud. So, I took the approach of starting with my immediate family members and then moving on from there. Well, after getting over the family hurdle I still hadn't gone further . I knew I needed to find some way to inform people en masse without flooding my inbox. The question was when to do it. It would seem strange to just pick an arbitrary day and just put a status on facebook like, " Oh by the way I am an atheist now." I needed a context within which to make the transition. I thought of leaving it to a landmark birthday, I have one coming up. I could wait until my graduation from university and declare it as part of my intellectual further degree. But all of these seemed like a bit too much of a delay. I needed some type of trigger moment for this. It didn't take me long to realise that this was just what Greta had provided me with. So there I was on the list as " David Ince a.k.a caribatheist."  And with that my two identities  became one.

The feelings after 'A' Day

On that day and those immediately following I felt a real mix of emotions; considerable excitement, a little trepidation, but mostly a feeling of liberation. I felt confident that I had made the right decision. Over time people will come to know of my deconversion as they inspect my facebook page or talk to someone who has found out one way or another. If  anyone decides to confront me about it directly I will simply respond with the truth. I am no longer worried about that. Actually, I can't help but feel that many of my theists friends know or suspect already but I wonder if they will ever talk to me about it. I think some of them will prefer not to ask because they would prefer not to know for sure. Just like the patient who thinks he has cancer symptoms will sometimes prefer not to have his fears confirmed by going to the doctor. If they choose to live in such atheistic denial I will be fine with that. I have no time to harp on such things because I am already thinking about all the new  connections I can make with my "out" status. Indeed, I made a few new friends in "A" week and in the days following. I am just so excited about how much more effective I can be as a member of the freethinking community now.

Over the last two years, I wondered on many occasions if I would ever reach the point I got to last week. It is through the support, encouragement and inspiration of the atheist community both within Calgary and the wider internet that I have made it. I  felt compelled to write an email to some of the more influential among those people and  thanked them all from the bottom of my heart. It was perhaps the most emotional email I have ever sent, it was hard to hold back the tears as I typed. On that day, fittingly during Atheist Week the  "A" for the first time went up on my profile picture and joined the sea of  'A's out there. That upload moment was a powerful few seconds. I knew then that there was no turning back. Atheist closets don't shut back. I must admit that in spite of the liberty of being an "out " atheist, I realised I couldn't just open all the floodgates. I still am very aware that just because I am not covering it up anymore  doesn't mean that I should use every opportunity to push my atheism out on others. I need to be able to show discretion and determine when is the right time. Much as  I wanted to go out there and comment on every atheist facebook thread  I just couldn't do that. So this next stage of my atheistic journey will no doubt still be a challenge.

If this was the full story of my  'A' week, that would have been awesome enough. But, it didn't end there. Random events sometimes work in mysterious ways and it so happened that Wednesday last week I returned  to my native island Barbados for the first time in two years. I had a lot of time to reflect on the way  back and think about how different a person I was since I left to live in Canada two years ago. To mark my week of liberation, I decided to wear my  scarlet 'A' lapel pin from the time I set off to the airport in Calgary until I touched down in Barbados some 18 hours later. In addition to wearing it as part of my own symbolism I was hoping that I might meet some freethinker along the way who would come up and make himself or herself known to me. Alas, that did not happen but who knows who saw what and thought what on the way.

Back in Barbados

Well, I've made it home and it is a reall delight to trade in the cold and snow for the warmth and the sea and sand. However, it didn't take  long for the wave of religion to knock me back. A friend  picked me up from the airport and she went to collect her children from school on the way to dropping me home. When we got to the school we were surprised to find a large gathering of children on the outside. We were told that they were awaiting the arrival of a student who was returning to school after a  successful battle against cancer over the last two years.  We got out and joined the expectant crowd because there was no way that we could escape the traffic to get out anyway. It was a touching moment as the tiny student arrived to be hailed by the throng of teachers and students alike. I just couldn't stop smiling.

Then, suddenly the music started up, blurting out from two large speakers, I  heard the words," I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name, He knows my name!" The students and teachers started to clap and even my friend got into the " spirit." But me, I stood frozen still, because I had forgotten. After a year of sharing discussions with skeptics in the pub, attending lectures on all angles dealing with freethought, watching Atheist Experience and meeting up with friends to watch videos of Dawkins' presentations, I had forgotten. I forgot what religion looked  like " in the flesh."

When the song reached its end the children continued,  singing the words " God can move mountains!" over and over again. It was clear that some of the students were starting to tire by this time but a teacher continued to urge them on, " Sing children sing, God can move mountains, He can do miracles, all you need to do is trust in Him!" The teacher was insistent that the children who ranged in age from 5 to 9 repeated these words.This it seemed was even more important than greeting their friend who had recovered. I knew the teacher was sincere and meant well, but I felt like a manager observing the day to day operations on the floor of an indoctrination factory. After the excitement earlier in the week with  making Greta's "A"list and the whole "coming out" thing, landing in Barbados brought me firmly back down to earth. I stood there in the midst of this excitement, realising that the task before me was huge. At that moment, as motivated as I was I had no idea where I would even start in trying to reduce this hold of religion far less trying to promote a secular nation. Still, I know that the enormity of the task is all the reason why I need to remain committed. Indeed, all of us atheists need to see ourselves as a part of this struggle.

I will be in Barbados and visiting other Caribbean  islands over the next couple of months. I have no idea what new insights I will gain during that time. What I know without doubt is that the week March 20th- 26th, 2011 is 'A' week I will never ever forget.

Honoured to be on such an illustrious list!

I feel extremely honoured to have been included on the list of " prominent atheists of colour" published by Greta Christina earlier this week. It is all as a result of this blog and it is great to know that the weekly offerings from  this site have made some impact. It is humbling to be on a list that includes so many "heavy hitters" with years of experience in the movement.

It has been almost one year, April 11th, 2010 to be exact, since the first caribatheist blog post was  uploaded. Between then and now, I have interacted with a considerable number of you from all backgrounds in the atheist community and it has been incredibly  fulfilling. I look forward now to connecting with many more of you. When I wrote that first blog on my journey from faith I had no idea that it was only the beginning of the trek. So many of you have given me encouragement and  shared your experiences along the way. Your insights have inspired much of the material which has been used in these blog posts. Thanks so much for everything.

Does God move rocks or not?

pakalert.com

We've all seen the horrific pictures. In the age of the internet and social media we get to see nature at its worst in real time.None of us can watch the pictures coming out of Japan without feeling a profound sense of sadness at the instant loss of so many people. Loss of lives and livelihoods as everything people worked for for decades was washed away in seconds. My heart goes out to all who have suffered loss in any way as a result of this tragedy.

Inevitably we have been subjected to the arguments used by persons on the two sides of the theistic divide. There is the " Where was God?" question that the atheist likes to ask and there is every manner of apologetic being used by the believer to excuse God for not preventing the tragedy. There is one argument that Christians tend to use that I have noticed once again come to the fore in the wake of this disaster. It is the position that such tragedies are Acts of Nature and not Acts of  God. I have seen Christians on online forums going into details in explaining faults and the slippage of tectonic plates, at pains to show that all of the processes in the generation of an earthquake or tsunami can  be explained in completely naturalistic terms. Excuse me? Isn't anyone else's irony meter exploding right now? Are these the same people that tell us that everything on this planet must have a creator?  I thought naturalistic assumptions were a sign of atheistic close mindedness.

God or nature?

These same earthquake apologists are the ones that scoff at us daily when we tell them that nature is in control . They are the ones that say since we don't know everything  about science we can't rule out God's involvement. We clearly don't know everything there is to know about plate tectonics since we can't predict when and where earthquakes will occur with certainty. Why is it justified to reject the idea of  a God to fill the gaps on this occasion? They think we are just trying to be cheeky when we answer the question " How did you get here?" by explaining how our mother and father got together and had something known as sexual intercourse. They emphasise that don't matter how far you go back they had to be "someone" who started it all. All of creation needs a creator, even the big bang needed a banger, but curiously an earthquake does not need an earthquaker. It is indeed strange because  the quake actually shifted a coastline of Japan by eight feet and shortened the days on the planet by 1.8 micro seconds. Are they trying to tell us that all this happened by chance?  The length of a day and the size and position of an island is not determined by God? Very interesting.

Yes,  according to many Christians when it comes to earthquakes, God just doesn't touch those tectonic plates. They seem to be implying he can create universes but he just doesn't move rocks. Unlike biological evolution, plate tectonics can occur without the hand of God.  I was trying to put all this together in my mind when I realised that the " God doesn't move rocks" theory seems to have some glaring fault lines in it. From here in Calgary we can see the majestic Rocky Mountains, which so many Christians have declared is testimony to God's handiwork. The islands of the Caribbean, including my homeland  Barbados affectionately called "The Rock" by many of us, are seen as paradises created by the Lord. Strangely, according to what the physical geologists tell us, mountains and islands are all created through plate tectonic activity, presumably the same  plate tectonics that we saw on display a week ago in Japan.  So God can be involved in plate tectonics, at least he has been in the past. Maybe, God does move rocks sometimes after all.

This fact makes plate tectonics one of the most interesting pieces of science you can find, because it seems to have two branches. I would like someone to tell me what are the difference in characteristics between "divine plate tectonics" which are responsible for mountains, islands and continent formation and the natural " Non-God plate tectonics" that were responsible for thousands of deaths in Japan, Haiti and South East Asia. On the surface it seems that the mechanisms in both cases are the same but there  must be some fundamental difference observed in the process in order for Christians to be able to classify the two types of land movements with such certainty. I wait earnestly for someone in the church hierarchy to give me a resolution of this earthly mystery.

The thing that complicates matters even more for me is that the two types of tectonic plate activities don't appear to be mutually exclusive. For example, this week a girl with a now infamous youtube video, was roundly criticised for the insensitivity of suggesting that God caused the earthquake to punish and warn people. Glen Beck later in the week received a similar rebuke for comments along the same line and we can all remember the horror of Pat Robertson's," pact with the devil" comment last year after Haiti's quake. Lest we forget it is not only atheists who condemned these comments. Christians were the ones in the forefront lambasting the persons in question for being such poor representatives of the faith. It's early days yet but we know that given time these earthquakes can one day be transformed to be seen by the masses as at least partial Acts of God.

Something new is bound to spring from the rubble left after these disasters. New communities, better infrastructure, perhaps a relook into the use and development of nuclear energy in the world. Maybe the shifted coastline in Japan will produce a coast with greater beauty than before. In millennia to come there may be new lands formed from the depth of the oceans as a result of the quakes we are getting today. And yes, unless we are successful in getting religion out of the mainstream, the future earth inhabitants will be thanking God for the tectonic activity that made their planet what it is.  I have seen it before many times, the fundamentalists will in time chide the atheists for saying that the earthquake proved that God was not there or did not care. They will  point out things that happened as a consequence of the earthquake and say that although the disaster seemed  horrible at the time it was all part of God's plan to give us something better in the long run.They will of course conveniently forget it was believers not atheists that were leading the cry at the time of the tragedy, screaming " It's nature NOT God !" Surely time cannot turn an ungodly plate tectonic shift into a divine one. Maybe I am just naive, but my position on the subject is that either God moves rocks or he doesn't. It just can't be both.

The Bible rocks

This regular practice of Christians today to exclude God from rock moving phenomena seems to be especially strange when one looks at the bible. In  both the old and new testaments, God moved a lot of rocks and stones and some of these actions changed the course of history. Most famously he was the one who supposedly "rolled the stone away" so that Jesus could leave behind an empty tomb on the day of resurrection. He, we are led to believe was right there to help David when he slew Goliath with those few little stones in a sling.

Spinning the planets in orbit

On the  other side of the size spectrum we have our own planet earth, the third rock from the sun. In fact according to the gospel song " My Redeemer Lives" made popular by Nicole C Mullen our god is " the Very same God that spins things in orbit." This implies that all the planets' movements are in God's hands and presumably other rocks such as comets and asteroids are as well. Speaking of asteroids, I have heard in many "Does God Exist ?" debates that God specifically put Jupiter in the position it is, in order to deflect asteroids that would pummel the earth if the giant planet was not there.

Unlike the average kid trying to spin a toy gyro, we know God's eternal hand must be very strong indeed, because we are told he is responsible for every  day. " This is the day that the Lord hath made." This means he not only spins things in orbit he also spins planets like ours around their axes, for that's how we move from night to day to night again. God may be a little fickle in getting involved in rocks within our planet's crust but when it comes to the rocks of the cosmos there is no pesky thing call nature that seems to get in the way of his plans. 

Rock of Salvation

Still, we find times when God likes to leave rocks alone where they are. He set one aside for Peter so  he could build the Church on it. He left the stones in the condition they were in when tempted by the devil in the wilderness to turn them into bread.  What adds to the  confusion is that he describes himself as the corner stone and the rock of our salvation. So he himself is a rock. Well, the Christians say he is unchanging and we atheists certainly don't see him moving in the world today. So, I guess we could say that God is another example of a rock that cannot be moved. I am still trying to understand as well whether God wants us to move rocks or stones on his behalf. In the old testament he certainly seems to be all for stoning whether it be disobedient children,  homosexuals or women who are not virgins on their wedding night. However, in the new testament he says to us that "he that is without sin" should cast the first stone. If we are all sinners, that should mean nobody should be throwing stones. All very confusing.

So, there seems to be no rock solid conclusion on where God stands on rocks. Indeed, as we have seen even the bible and Christians themselves rock back and forth on the question. What is apparent is that they leave no stone unturned in trying to find new persons to introduce to the foundation of their faith. However, I am glad to see that once again in the wake of the latest tragedy they are working with people from all faiths and those of no faith in removing stumbling blocks to get aid to the people who need it. To me this is clearly moving the earth without God.

Atheists are fond of asking Christians whether God could create a rock so heavy he couldn't lift it. I am not at the moment interested in such philosophical or hypothetical musings. My question to the Christians remains a very simple and practical one. Does God move rocks or not?

The Unfinished Symphony

"If music be the food of love play on." This is the famous quote from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Seldom has a wiser phrase been uttered. Music is indeed the universal language and although all of us can think of times when we have  heard something that really grated on our ears, I have never met anyone who doesn't like music of some kind. Everybody has at least one piece of music that they love. That song or instrumental interlude which we would wish to have with us if we were stranded on a desert island.

Your taste in music is governed by many things. Where you were born or brought up; what you were exposed to as a youth; what your peers listened to; what your family, school, church or community taught you was good and wholesome. In addition to that there are always the intangibles, maybe just something in the genes that causes you to move instinctively or get goosepimples every time you hear certain compositions. Of course, in growing up in the Caribbean , no response to music could ever be seen as having its basis in physiology. It was always something in the "spirit" that moved you whether it was God in the case of church music or the devil if it was something in the secular world that caused you to shake your waist a little.

When we look  through history, we can see that music has changed with the times, it has been a continuous evolution. Similarly, I see the scientific developments in our world as progressing like a symphony; where instruments come in on cue then drift out sometimes unnoticed having played their respective parts. It is a  flowing piece being composed as it goes along. The universe is an "Unfinished Symphony" and  like Schubert's famous work in B minor,  it is no less beautiful because of its incompleteness.

There is an important lesson we can learn from all this because classical music is generally not as well loved when it  isn't clearly defined. I play music myself and from the time I started out as a a child , my teachers told me that the two most important notes were the first and the last. You had to be emphatic at the beginning so that the audience knew you were starting and not just fumbling about or trying to tune your instrument. You had to grab their attention right away. You also needed a big finish whether it be the high note held out at the end to leave the crowd enthralled or a distinctive slowing down and diminishing of volume before an emotional finale. Yes, get those two parts right and you were almost bound to make a great impression. What happened in between you could often cover up if you were spectacular enough at the two " ends".

I think the believer in God is like the traditional classical music enthusiast. For them the universe just needs a  clear beginning, a definite note to start on, maybe a thunderous strike of the timpani at  the moment of the big bang.  They insist that God has left his time signature there for all to see and if we don't recognise it we are just not looking hard enough. To tell them there was no time before the big bang and that therefore there was no beginning, sounds like noise rather than music, it just doesn't make sense. Similarly, for them the end of time must be triumphant. We cannot reach the finish without the blast of the trumpet when Jesus returns. To say that it all ends suddenly, often  well before the expected fanfare is too depressing for them to contemplate. For them it would make the whole symphony not worth listening to at all and they would be screaming for a refund before they left the concert hall.

We have to admit that all of us have a natural desire to wait for that moment of resolution of a piece of music. Hearing a note that doesn't fit the chord at the end of a piece is off-putting, it makes it sound unfinished. You feel cheated as a listener on those occasions,  it's just not fair to leave you hanging. I remember , listening to the priest chant the liturgy when I used to go to church. It was tedium listening  to things like the "Te Deum" but one thing you could always look forward to was the unmistakable " Awwww- Men" at the end where everybody joined in. This ending is actually very famous in music, the Imperfect cadence." It is so common it is often  referred to as the "Amen" cadence. Could this be the first time religious language has been used to describe something imperfect? I wonder.

It is lovely to have that simplicity and comfort of familiarity in music that things such as the "Amen" cadence bring. The problem is that when it comes to the composition of the universe, rarely do such simple motifs exist. This is because the universe has no composer, arranger or conductor to produce the music in the way we would like. We have to read the music in the way it has evolved in nature. Patterns have definitely emerged but it is by no means as perfectly crafted as the classical score. Indeed, going with the classical when it comes to physics does not always produce "music" that stands the test of time. Newton's Laws to explain  gravity and  the orbits of the planets had  the symmetry and simplicity of patterns that can be seen in Handel's Messiah or a Prelude by Bach. His theory was easy to understand and to apply but in the long run it proved to be an oversimplification and didn't quite represent what was happening in reality. Einstein came later to describe these phenomena using the concept of space-time and general relativity. A far more difficult theory to wrap your head around but it explained everything that Newton did and solved many more mysteries. Today the prevailing " string theory" has echoes of music in its root, but due to the lack of confirming evidence, remains on the fringes of science.

In science unlike music we look for what is real rather than what sounds good. The scientist is more like the jazz musician or the free style improviser. A fiddler rather than a first chair violinist. In jazz there is no manuscript to tell you what note to play but you just groove on the natural flow of  the music emanating around you. As a jazz musician you have to be able to listen rather than read from a piece of parchment. You must hear what the other musicians are " saying" and try to build on what they are doing.  I have had the pleasure of playing in a number of jam sessions of this type and they never fail to enthral me. I enjoy more structured  playing as well but probably not quite as much. Indeed, I always feel more comfortable playing on stage when there is no stand with music in front of me. Maybe this indicates that  freethinking was in my musical  nature long before it took root in a religious sense. It would  be an interesting study to compare the types of music that people of faith prefer compared to the free thinkers. I heard in a recent talk that psychologists have found that persons that are more dogmatic tend to prefer poems that rhyme.

In the Caribbean, classical music may not be the dominant type of music in the evangelical churches but there is still a degree of simplicity to the music that is sung. A few weeks ago I gave an example of one popular one when I adapted the words to the "Shine the Light Medley." The melody is sweet, the lyrics are simple with a repeated chorus that you can grab onto and sing along. It is a "feel good "type of music and with the predictability it is easy to just take part without too much thinking or even close listening.




The contrast to this is the music of the  atheist rapper Greydon Square. What impresses me about Greydon is his use of language and metaphors and how easily it flows on top of the music. Here is where freestyling meets freethinking and the result is a treat to listen to.  The song  "Extain"  above is one of my favourites from him. In the free form structure there is a continuous flow with no clear breaks. No verses and choruses, no sing along call and response, there is a lack of predictability and that makes you listen to the message all the more. What's more is that often you will hear that the last word of one line flows directly   into the line that follows, with lines regularly finishing with unfinished sentences, occasionally the last word of a line is simultaneously the first word of the line following.This is so much what science development is about the end of one line of research provides the start for something new to follow and there are always open ends.

There is no natural end or break  in Greydon's music as there is no natural end or break in the world of scientific discovery. In both cases we are listening to an unfinished symphony. It is great that we never get an "Amen" cadence because it means that we haven't reached the end of the line and there is more to hear and learn.  So, unlike what I was taught at the beginning of my music career I now accept that the beginning and endings are not so important. The movements in the grand unified symphony are what matter. The movement and transitions from one phase of revelation to another.

I remember one morning in Barbados when I went "toe to toe" in discussion which some Jehovah Witnesses that were going house to house. I was telling them how for me the important thing was to read widely, investigate and just keep learning, reevaluating my position all the time. I will never forget the response one of the guys gave me. He said, "But where will it end?" I looked at him incredulously " End? Why would investigation need to end?" I told him. I could see he was equally perplexed by my response. That day I realised that the Christian mindset was very keen on eternal life. I discovered that I, on the other hand, preferred eternal learning. Christians are scared of physical death being the end but I am far more worried of the prospect of the death of  new things to learn about. I guess either way, ends can be scary, but  I will try not to concentrate on them, because you quite simply can't predict them. We all know they must come and quite often when we least