What atheists can learn from Angry Birds

It couldn't last forever. My sojourn in the Caribbean has come to an end and I am on my way back to Calgary Canada. On the way I am making a stop in New York with my sister and her family. There has been especially a lot of playtime with my five year old niece. One of her favourites and mine is the game ' Angry Birds' popular on Apple  devices. Simple in concept, it has proved addictive for people from my niece's age group up to the 'on the go' business executive.

For those not familiar with the game, there is a demonstration you can watch in the video above. Each level consists of a scene with some pigs either shielded beneath or sitting on top of a physical structure made of some combination of metal, wood, stone or glass. There are a number of birds that are controlled by the player. The player is required to launch one bird at a time using a slingshot. The aim is to hit the pigs and try to destroy them.  Experts from all over have discussed why the game has taken off  the way that it has. One thing for sure is that Rovio the creators have hit the jackpot.

Why are the birds angry?

The more I play the game the more it becomes clear to me that one can learn a lot more from this game than just how to propel a virtual slingshot. While playing with my niece a couple of nights ago she asked me earnestly, " Why are the birds angry? What happened to make them like that?" It was a very good question and one I could not readily answer. I also made a bit of a double take. For once this type of question was not aimed  directly at me. I can't count the number of times I have heard  that sentence uttered with the word 'atheists' instead of ' birds.'

When I looked a little bit closer I did  find rather surprisingly that there are quite a few similarities between angry birds and angry atheists. Indeed I now see many intricacies within the game that have something to say to those of us that have chosen to be involved in activism in opposition to religion. I can tell you that being a person carrying the name David, I identify very personally with  the challenges of launching my tiny slingshots against the Goliath that is religion. In playing with the Angry Birds I feel their frustrations when they fail in their mission and share in their euphoria when they move on to a higher level.

Reading the background story

Nonetheless, I have to admit that my niece is right. The reasons for the birds desire to obliterate the pigs does seem a bit obscure. If you read the background  story write up for the game it does say that the pigs have taken and hidden the eggs of the birds, but there is nothing that happens within the gameplay that suggests this happened. Many people that I come into contact with are similarly bewildered at non believer anger. Certainly on the face of it, it seems that the majority of the religions aren't bothering anybody.What we see day to day, particularly in the Caribbean, is people dressed in their finery going to church, joyful singing with tambourines and people in organisations coming together to plan picnics and fish fries. Yes, the images of the fundamentalists flying planes into buildings, blowing up abortion clinics or trying to milk people's worries and money over impending doomsdays are there. But these realities are far removed from the typical West Indian worshipper.

However, just like the scenes we see in the Angry Birds, the state of play we see today in religion does not tell the whole story. There is an entire history that has been played out before.The background story to the game reveals that humanity has been denied much in terms of opportunities for women, blacks, indigenous cultures and many other marginalised groups. Religious people never read the part of the background  story that shows how we often resolve conflicts by letting competing 'wills of God' fight it out through bloody wars that have led to millions of deaths over millennia.There is a documented history that shows how faith has held us back from reaching the pinnacle of social and scientific development. However,  just like those playing Angry Birds none of the background story is given to everyday gamers who are addicted to playing for salvation.

Only those with an above normal level of curiosity  take time to read the background notes on the fantasy game of faith. Those of us who are so inclined often get angrier as we recognise that priests and clergymen have hidden much from us. The 'eggs' containing the criticisms and challenges to holy books are kept strategically out of view and create an illusion that atheists through their protestations are simply making much ado about nothing. For many believers the background story we delve so hard to discover is a mere foot note in history. For them it is about as relevant as the blurb that gives the background story to the Angry Birds game.

The believer knows that the only thing he needs to understand in order to score heavily in faith is the one central message in the game's  instruction booklet. The message that  tells him that he is playing for God  and whatever moves he makes should be because God demands it  and not because his  innate moral sense tells him he should act that way. Those instructions are so simple it is no wonder that people find this game so attractive. It's up to us  atheists to make sure people think about the rules a little bit more before they take up the game controls.

Be careful what you aim for

It is my experience that in playing any video game, you work out the most effective strategy over time. Many times the strategy you end up sticking with is not the one that appeared to make the most sense when you first played. Angry Birds is no exception. The first thing that I did when I started to play was  to aim the slingshot at an angle that would hit the pigs directly. There are often as many birds available as there are pigs to be destroyed and if you take out one each time you fire you are well on your way to getting rid of them all by the end  of the level.  However, this it turned out was not the best approach. If you were a little bit off you could end up just missing everything and sometimes the protective hats that the pigs wear in the game make them survive even when they are hit full on. No, a much better approach in the long run is to aim at the structure surrounding the pigs. By breaking those down you can often get rid of many pigs at one go. It is also great if you can focus in on the weak points where wood and glass predominate. These parts tend to break much more easily than the more rigid stone and metal structures.

Atheists and persons trying to encourage persons to look at their belief more critically often make that same mistake. The technique regularly used is trying to deal with believers one by one. We hope that we can just approach them with our killer arguments  to make them stop believing . It seldom ever works. What I think we should be doing is seeking to weaken the structures that support religious thinking, those that protect it and hold it up. These structures are the institutions in society that actively promote and support the practice of faith. The structures I am talking about are not the churches.Those are built from hard stone  and even a severe impact from a missile in full flight  is not going to make them rock. No, the structures I am talking about are the ones that sometimes are called the softer ones, the more informal institutions.

Breaking down the institutions

These informal institutions are things found in the subtle messages society gives that shape behaviour. In the Caribbean these are around in abundance. These institutions include messages embedded in our culture that emphasise to our citizens that you cannot be a truly moral person without  belief in a God. It comes in the form of the national television stations and media companies that appeal to a person's belief in the Almighty to promote safe sex, sober driving and the liberation of women from spousal abuse. It can be seen in an education system that makes sure that every child is taught how to pray before they learn how to put together a proper sentence. A system that makes kids memorize bible verses by rote just as they do their two times table.We observe it in a  legal structure that puts God at the centre of the Constitution and tells us there is nothing more honourable than swearing on the bible. It's the structures like these we need to aim our slingshots at.

In short we must aim to change the environments the theist is living in so that it becomes more difficult for the individual to sustain a life based on faith and reject reason and common sense. There are many studies over the years that have shown that the individual merely reflects the society and environment that surrounds him; although most people consider themselves independent agents nobody really acts on their own. The individual merely conforms and is constrained by those structures that are present in society. It is a phenomenon known as institutional isomorphism and it has immense power  The way I see it, is that once we deal with these institutions, the individuals will take care of themselves.

How can we change these institutions? We can seek to put in place educational programs that emphasise the scientific method and critical enquiry and de-emphasise the idea that everything in the world was neatly manufactured by a super-being who lives beyond the cosmos. We can seek to make amendments to legal provisions or practices which make assumptions about behaviours based on a persons religious belief. We can  reach out to parents to make them reconsider their idea that a bible is the best gift you can give your child and tell them that sparing the rod does not necessarily mean spoiling the child. We can try to break persons free from the mould that says the best way to get discipline in a society is to preach " do as I say and not as I do."

Changing the Culture

I know many will say that this is unrealistic, that changing culture is something that takes a long time. It is slow and sometimes huge efforts lead to only minuscule changes.  This is of course true, even in  Angry Birds structures can seem unperturbed  after four or five birds have crashed into them at warp speed. Still I have learnt to wait a few seconds after every bird has been launched in a level. Quite often when you are sure you have failed to make the necessary strikes the whole structure just falls down under its own weight. We must not give up hope because change seems slow.

Indeed, it is interesting to see over the years how many education programs in the Caribbean have been launched with the stated intention of changing societal behaviour on a fundamental scale. Millions of dollars have been spent  to try to change the behaviour of the individuals by going after the collective. The AIDS program is one that readily comes to mind.  The recent Polite Percy drive in Barbados has tried among other things to teach the importance of being on time for appointments.  That would be a cataclysmic cultural shift because punctuality is something as natural to Barbadians as maple syrup or apple pie.

Yes, one thing that Angry Birds has taught me is to be patient. You must be prepared to go through several trials before clearing a level. I have learnt that you have to be not afraid to practice and experiment sometimes. Every time I have engaged in discussions over religion and faith with a believer I have gone back analysed it and try to realise what approaches work and which just leave me falling to the ground  with a broken beak. I am constantly refining my technique and I think my effectiveness is improving. I am not complacent though, I know there are new belief systems coming out everyday at a rate even greater than that at which Apple comes out with new levels for the Angry Birds app. I can't even begin to anticipate the new spiritual levels I will be exposed to in future debates with theists. Regardless, I will keep myself prepared.

Flying among the Birds of Prey

Another thing that has come clear to me as I have been flying through international skies  is that I am one bird among many. Religion is holding sway in the world, but non believers are there. I have had the pleasure of meeting with some and they are working hard at making a difference in their own individual styles. There are not too different from the different coloured birds in the Angry Birds game,  each with their own special powers and skills. Some are explosive and seek to blast belief to smitherines, some are more subtle in their methods but it is the combination of efforts of these birds of prey that  I believe will eventually topple things like belief in prayer among the masses.

So, Angry Birds has taught me a great deal and in the end it has given me hope. There is no doubt that religion has its weak points.  There are right at those junctions where rigid doctrinal texts are connected by weak threads of logic. We must remember that if we aim at the shaky parts of  a structure even the strongest institutions can fall. Once we continue to carry our little stones of reason in our slings I am confident that one day the walls of belief will come a tumbling down.

Do you speak theish? : Relearning my mother tongue in the Caribbean

 

I don't know about you, but for me there are few things in this world more enjoyable than travelling. It is always an experience that stays with you. The excitement of seeing things up close that you may have previously only seen in a magazine or on a cinema screen.The introduction to new cultures, new people and very often new ways of looking at the world. However, I find as exciting as discovering and exploring these things can be, there is always a slight feeling of trepidation when you touch down in a country or city for the first time. This begins from the time you enter the airport arrival hall, something as simple as not knowing exactly which door you should be going through or which line you should be in  can be unnerving. These feelings of being lost are increased ten-fold if you happen to be visiting a country where you don't speak the native language. The awkward feelings that accompany smiling and nodding at taxi drivers and red caps; laughing at their jokes, hoping against hope that you will leave their presence well before they get an inkling that  you haven't got the foggiest idea what they are talking about.

It may come as a surprise to many that this issue of language has affected me as I have returned to life in the Caribbean over the last two months. After all, I have been mainly in the anglophone countries and English is the language I speak all the time in Canada. It is not because of varying accents and dialects, though these can sometimes present challenges even to those of us who grew up in these West Indian isles.  No, there is a language spoken on every island in the Caribbean and you can really be at a loss if you are not familiar with the lingo. You may not find it in the Oxford dictionary, but it is called 'theish.' I used to speak it very fluently when I used to live in this part of the world, but you know what they say about language. You use it or you lose it.

Theish is basically 'God language.' Just like any other language out there it has certain rules that you have to adhere to. The central rule is the assumption that a God exists who created the world and dictates ultimately everything that happens in it. He, she or it loves you, protects you and will one day judge you. You can communicate with this God and he will sometimes grant you what you ask for if it is his will. For many atheists this seems like total jibberish, which is not surprising since all languages you are unfamiliar with sound jibberish at first. 'Atheish' is the counter language to this and has only one simple assumption; that Gods do not exist.

It's been a bit scary, but since I have returned to the Caribbean I realise that I am a bit rusty on my theish. These days in Canada I speak almost purely atheish among my friends. It was particularly bad at first when I came home to Barbados. I would be having a conversation which would seem like a normal exchange of pleasantries, a general catching up on things  when suddenly a person would say something in theish that I would not understand. I  asked one friend, " What are you looking to do now that you have decided to leave the teaching profession?" His answer was a simple, " Well, that depends on what God wants."  I went silent,  I realised for that moment I had no idea what he was talking about. What God wants? What the hell does that mean? I was so knocked back that day that I just smiled wished him good luck and went away. I reflected afterwards, that that was the language of theish. I had forgotten how to speak it. Translated into atheish, what he meant was  "I will just go with the flow and see how things turn out. I will wait and see what opportunities come my way." Now had he said that, it would have made perfect sense to me. I realised that once I made these translations to atheish in my head as I talked to people here I would be ok.

It strikes me now that perhaps the reason why it is so difficult for people to give up their religion is because it is like a language to them. Languages are something we speak naturally, we learn our native tongue from the time we are in the cradle and basically it stays with us for life. Language is also a means of self identity. When you meet someone in a distant land and you start to speak their language or dialect you are telling them that you are one of them. We are brothers or sisters because we can understand this language that the others around us can't. We have a special connection which creates a strong emotional bond within the first few seconds of the exchange. Many of us as we get older will learn other languages but as competent as we become in these adopted languages we will always slip back to our mother tongue when we are acting instinctively. Religious belief is something we don't question generally here in the Caribbean because it is our language and an essential part of our identity. It is something we need to understand even for the most basic of communication. If we don't speak theish we will be ostracised, not necessarily because people don't like us. They just won't understand us  and we won't understand them.

An object with a gender

Many of us laughed at first when we went into Spanish classes and were told that every object has a gender. The idea that el lapiz- the chalk was masculine and la naranja- the orange was feminine was to many in my class a ridiculous notion. Does the chalk wear a collar and tie? Does the flirtatious orange have a mini skirt in her wardrobe? When we atheists make fun of magic apples, talking snakes and global floods, we are doing the same as we did when we laughed at our Spanish or French at school. Speculating about where God's genitalia is that can makes us so sure he is a boy is no different than wondering where the 'sweet spot' is on the female orange.

Yes, when we view religion as a language it is quite easy to see why it is so impervious to logic and reasoning.  The philosopher Thomas Kuhn has actually likened ideological paradigms to languages. He has asserted that a paradigm shift is like a total change of language and you cannot compare two paradigms because the definitions of terms within a paradigm have a completely different interpretation when viewed from another. So, we can see that even from Kuhn's work back in the 1970s, language and paradigms are deemed to be similar. So religion as an ideological paradigm can be viewed as a  language. The problem with  the religious language  is that people think that the rules developed for the purposes of communication are fundamentally TRUE. God  becomes a real thing not a linguistic construct. If you think about it, it is a bit like saying English is the one true language. It is just doesn't make sense.

This perceived theistic truth value is the difference between theish and other world languages such as Spanish, French German or Chinese  This of course makes conversing in theish extremely problematic and that's why I try not to speak it. This may seem to some like snobbery. How could I look down on my native language as if it is something inferior? I grew up speaking and identifying myself through it and now I seem to be embarrassed to use it.

If theish was like the other languages I would happily use it and treasure it as part of who I am. It would be no different than how I would promote reggae, soca  music or bajan flying fish among my international friends. But I know that every time I speak theish I am reinforcing among the people that their theistic beliefs are true. So, as a result I try to stay away from theish as much as I possibly can. It's unfortunate that I have to go this route. On the face of it, theish is a very useful language. The word 'God' is a simple word that can be used as a substitute, for the unknowns in nature, uncertainties in interactions, random events and things beyond our control. Simplification is, lest we forget, one of the main objectives of language. 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' is a common phrase used in English. Everbody knows exactly what that phrase means. However, one could make the case that in some scenarios if you were in control of the bush, two birds in the bush may be better than the bird in hand. It is true, but for someone to make that point in a debate bringing along two birds in a bushy bird cage would be missing the point of the metaphor. Sadly, missing the point of the metaphor is routine in religion and often done deliberately. I have written in a previous blog post that I would love a Church with a metaphorical God. But I just don't want to take the chance of being taken even semi-literally when I speak in theish.

Still, I realise it's good to keep it handy just in case of emergency. I have always been taught that people all revert to their native languages in moments of danger and ecstasy. Perhaps this explains the liberal use of God supposedly in many of the bedrooms of committed atheists and on the other side why there is a common belief that there are no atheists in foxholes. I must say that if I was going down in a plane and the passenger next to me asked me to say a prayer with them I would oblige with out the slightest bit of reservation.

Trying to be bilingual

It is interesting to note that there are some theists that are well versed in atheish. They can follow extremely well the rules of the language. They understand that there is no word called "God" in atheish  and can converse quite easily given that as a starting premise. Atheists realising that the theists are following the nuances of the new language get very encouraged and are convinced that they are making inroads into the theists belief system, but that is seldom the case. To the theist, atheish is a foreign language. Just like a class they take once a week after work at a community college. They learn certain things by heart, know how to answer certain common phrases in the language but that's where it ends. They never intend to embrace atheish as their own. It may come in handy if they find themselves lost and need to ask for directions at a university philosophy lecture but that is as far as it goes. Once they finish their little lesson with the atheist, it's back home where they are with their families and they slip back into theish again. If they have enough exposure they will eventually become very competent in it but they generally never get to fluency. For some reason as much as many believers actually enjoy learning atheish and spouting the few words they know, they are very opposed to atheist immersion programs which could really push them over the top. A one month stint in an atheist organisation or a CFI could work wonders for these people. I studied in Ecuador and was able to pick up Spanish much more quickly than I did in any classroom. It's hard for a foreign language to stick if you separate it from its cultural context.

By contrast there are many more atheists that speak good theish than the other way around. For a lot of atheists, theish is indeed their native language They have had to try hard to block it out and the traces of it still linger. It takes a while to learn to no longer put an accent on the word 'God.' What worries me sometimes are the atheists that think they know theish well but don't really have a comprehensive grasp. I have met some of them in Canada, people who never grew up speaking the language at home. Some of them are willing to learn from us bilingual atheists but others consider going through this kind of schooling unnecessary.These people have learnt most of their theish from promotional videos on cable television and through the ever growing ' quick fix' online resources such as ' Answers in Genesis.' They think that learning the language is super easy because, at least in this part of the world, there is generally only one text book
that you are required to read. But theish is a very nuanced language with thousands of dialects. You have to be able to decipher one from the other. Christianese is clearly the dominant dialect but even within that the accents are so different that when these people  try to get together and talk they don't understand much of what each other is saying.

It may seem like confusion but I still think it is important for atheists to take the time to learn theish so that they can converse smoothly when they meet a Godly person. Even if we are advocates for secularism or atheism we cannot make any inroads unless we meet theists where they are. You have to be able to know theish to survive in today's world, or at least be familiar with  few phrases.  I think it is time we do a Fodor's Guide for the atheist traveller to theistic lands.

These phrases below I think should feature in the Caribbean edition

-God willing

-If God spare life

-Praise the Lord thank God

-I am here waiting on the Lord
-God is good all the time
-Lord come for your world
-I plead the blood
-I lean on the word
-The bible says
- The devil is busy today
- Hallelujah, thank you Jesus

Know it but don't use it

It may seem like a contradiction to encourage people to learn theish even though I have explained why I don't myself use it. I think learning it is the key rather than using it. It's just like how people encourage you to learn the curse words in foreign languages even though you would never think of using them in polite company.So, when people speak to me in theish, I think about it, absorb what they are saying and then translate in my head to give them a response in atheish. For example, I met a lady yesterday who was delighted to tell me how her  faith had been strengthened after she lost one of a twin while giving birth. The doctors thought the second one would die also but so far the younger one has pulled through and is doing well.  The lady shared with me how at first she wondered  why God was testing her, but her mother was so supportive and encouraged her every step of the way. Mum even flew out from overseas at a night's notice just to be there at her side.

The woman went on to add that she now recognises how the trials have made her stronger and it is a miracle how God has delivered  the one daughter that survived even after the doctors had written her off. She finished off by telling me that based on her experience, she now considers that anyone who doesn't believe in God would have to be a fool. I smiled, I wasn't going to  reveal to her the irony of saying something like that to me. I resisted the temptation to go on the defensive or identify any flaws in logic. I just took a breath and answered her in atheish. This is what I said:

"We live in a natural world, and trials are a part of it. It is not that we need them because many have discovered the strength in their characters without going through the tests that you have. However, it's great to know when difficulties come our way there are people such as your mother who can really come through for you and ease the burden. At  the end of it all it is great to know that in spite of the tragedy you have been able to find that inner strength, emerge with such a sense of happiness and find so much to be thankful for."

She thanked me for my words, nodded and remarked on how true she thought the things I said were. I realised there and then that even though she doesn't know it, she really understands atheish. She is even capable of integrating it into her everyday spoken language. I didn't announce that what I was saying came straight from an atheist root, after all, I never said that God was not there. However, hopefully the few words of atheish  filtered in and maybe she will recognise one day that even in her own language, she doesn't need God to give her a sentence.

I know that to ask someone to let go of the only language they have ever known and  reject their mother tongue is difficult, perhaps nearly impossible. Maybe it is not even a reasonable or ethical thing to attempt. However, we know from history that languages evolve. We may well never be able to achieve that  paradigm shift that Kuhn talks about but if we continue to slip more and more of our words and phrases into the theish thesaurus, the language from the pulpit could be virtually indistinguishable from atheish in 100 years time.

How can they know it's NOT May 21st?: The Irrational Amayists

The atheists are having a field day. What started as a simple shake of the head and groan of "not again" has mushroomed into something massive. The request for the possessions of those departing have been made,  the drinks for the rapture parties are on ice and everyone is ready for the big LOL come May 22nd. Perhaps it's not unsurprising that the atheists have taken this opportunity to turn up the volume of this May mockery. What has been a little unexpected is how so many evangelical christians have been equally dismissive of the statement of " We can know" by the now famous Harold Camping, the man behind all the bruhaha.

For the majority of the fundamentalists, Harold Camping is seen as much of a maniac as he is by atheists but for entirely different reasons. Not because the idea of rapture is just downright ridiculous and there is nothing to suggest that there is any such thing as selective gravity even for 'glorifed' bodies.  Not because  many of the bodies that would be rapture candidates have been decomposed centuries ago and that the material that they were composed of are as likely to be found in a urinary tract as in any soil sample in a cemetery. No, none of that poses any problem at all. The issue that makes Camping crazy is that he clams to know the exact date these things will happen. He just can't be right because the bible says, " No one knows the day or the hour."

But why are some Christians so quick to dismiss Camping? If no one knows it not only means Camping doesn't know, it means no other Christian knows either. Camping cannot know for certain that the rapture will happen May 21st, but that does not mean he cannot be right. A rapture date of May 21st in no way contradicts the statement " No one knows the day or the hour." I recognise and respect Camping's deep faith in his rapture day that falls in May 2011.  He is a committed Mayist. There are fundamentalists on the other side who believe in the rapture too but they reject that it will happen this May. These skeptics are the Amayists, who reject the Mayist claims. Even though they admit that they have no idea when the 'son of man cometh', they dogmatically want to make the claim that May 21st is NOT judgement day.

Amayism is simply irrational. How can these Amayists possibly know that May 21st is incorrect? The only way to know for sure that the rapture won't happen then is to have been there on May 21st , 2011. And nobody, at least at the time I am writing this, has ever seen May 21st, 2011. But that's typical of Amayists,they are so arrogant they just think they know everything.  To know what's going to happen on May 21st they would have to be God himself. Ask these Amayists  what is their evidence that Amayism is true and correct, I guarantee they'll trip up every time. I know they don't like to hear it but it is the truth. It takes more faith to be an Amayist.

Some Amayists try to argue that the criticisms they face are unfair. They keep saying that Amayism is not a dogmatic position at all. They claim that they are agnostic Amayists. They are not claiming that they know for sure that May 21st is not the date, they just haven't found any evidence to suggest that it is, so they prefer to withhold belief in Mayism for the time being. But who are they kidding these people are just playing a semantic word game. We know full well that they reject Mayism outright. What evidence are these Amayists looking for? Don't fool yourself, there is no evidence that would ever convince the Amayists. They start with an Amayist worldview that cannot be altered. They wouldn't believe even if  'May 21st'  came down from heaven himself and said, "I am the day!"

Why the Mayists have to endure such daily persecution? I don't know. If they don't believe May 21st is the day of the rapture why don't they just keep quiet about it and let the Mayists go about their mission in peace? Why do Amayists feel the need to tear down the poor Mayists, writing articles in the newspaper or blogs  saying that the Mayist have the day wrong and have misinterpreted scripture? One writer in a paper today was even so militant he called the idea of the May 21st  judgement " rubbish." I hope that the newspaper takes action against him. If it was me I would let him go immediately. No apology would be sufficient for using such filthy Anti Mayist language. The thing is, that writer is not alone. When you read the tone of  many of the things that Amayists publish you can see they are angry. I don't understand why they are so angry. If you ask me they are just scared, they know very well that May 21st is judgement Day.They just know they are not rapture ready and  they don't want to face it .  They choose to deny May 21st  in order to extend their sinning a little while longer. It is so easy to see through them.

Some of the Amayists point to other wrong date predictions by Decemberists, Marchists and many other datists throughout history. They reason that if all the other datists are false prophets, Mayists must be false prophets as well. Now that is simply ridiculous. Just because they are some fake predictions doesn't mean that all predictions are fake. That's like saying that just because they are many copies of the 'Mona Lisa' there is no real 'Mona Lisa.' The other forms of datism were obviously man made. The ancient datists either made up their dates to make themselves feel good or were honestly mistaken. Mayism is different because it predicts a rapture date of May 21st. No other datist predicted that date.Think about it,  the chance that May 21st would be chosen as THE date is 1/ 366, far too unlikely to be picked purely by chance.

Amayism is a silly choice anyway. If you prepare for the rapture on May 21st and nothing happens, you have lost nothing. However, if you choose Amayism, judgement comes on that day and you are not ready you face the torment of the great tribulation. How can it make sense to take that chance?

Believe it or not, many Amayists still scoff at these strong arguments. I ask them if Mayism is so ridiculous why is it that so many people out there believe it and why  it is such a popular billboard? How could Mayism have spread so fast to so many parts of the world if it isn't true. There has been more May 21st merchandise made than there has been for any other previous end of the word prediction. CNN, BBC, NBC have all covered it. Google shows hundreds of new articles on the internet everyday. No other date prophecy has gotten this coverage. How do you explain that?  Well, predictably Amayists have pointed to the funds spent in advertising the Camping campaign, the influence the Camping group has in the media, the impact of technology in the 21st century. Here we see once again the naturalistic bias of the  Amayist. Quite clearly it's the hand of God that made the word of May 21st spread across the globe. It' a miracle. No way a human being could have set things up  like this and it certainly couldn't have happened by chance.

In spite of all this compelling evidence that the world will end on May 21st, I realise that it is possible that someone will read this blog post on or after May 22nd, 2011 and no rapture or judgement will have occurred. On the face of it an Amayist may consider that no rapture occurring is a direct refutation to Mayism. However, to believe that would just be naive.  You have to look at the writings of the followers of Mayism in context. You see,  Amayists always look for the easy targets, they attack Mayist literalists.  The more scholarly Mayists never claimed that the rapture was necessarily bodies flying up to heaven on May 21st. They emphasised that the rapture must be interpreted in a spiritual context. What matters is not whether you are raptured in body but whether you are raptured in your heart.

Ah, I can see you Amayists there scratching your heads. You will never understand the beauty, symbolism and artistry of sophisticated Mayism. It's no wonder you guys are always left behind.

The shock of her life! : One family member's response to hearing I no longer believe

I have read the blogs, watched the you tube videos heard  numerous calls to Atheist Experience, Thinking  Atheist and the like. But, Sunday was the first time I personally got a true ' I am shocked that you don't believe in God' response. Here is how the conversation, which was with an extended family member here in Barbados, went down.

FM: How are things at your church ? Your parents still go there? Who is the pastor there?

Me: Father "X" is still there. My mum she still sings in the choir. Dad goes occasionally and sometimes visits other churches. How is it ? I suppose its ok, I myself am not really involved in church now.

FM: You mean that you are not involved in the church down here.

Me: No, I actually mean I am not involved in the church full-stop.

FM: You don't go to church?!!

Me: No

FM: Why not ???

Me: I just don't believe anymore.

FM: Don't believe what?

Me: in God

FM: Gasp!! [Places hand over mouth , stays in that position frozen for about a  minute]

Me: [Take up newspaper from table in front of me, start leafing through it and pretending to read , trying to give impression that this is a normal conversation]

FM: [ Finally breaks silence] Wait, who is the Prime Minister of Canada now?

Me: [ Know she feels really super awkward, subject change more dramatic  than a gear change in a Caribbean maxi taxi, but I answered as if it was most natural question] It's Stephen Harper.

FM: [Another moment of silence, then suddenly we are back on to topic] So what do you believe in?

Me: The same things you believe in, I just don't believe there is a God behind it all.

FM: Like what?

Me: Love, friendships, relationships, family, welfare of humans, justice, health, clean water, access to energy,  the environment, rights of children, women and minorities, music, the arts, sports. [ I tried to list off in one fell swoop everything that mattered to me in life]

FM:  You don't believe in God?  What shocked you into that?

Me: Nothing, I had doubts about my faith for a long time. I just gradually came to a point where I could no longer support the claims religion was making. I just don't see any evidence to support the existence of a God. So, I don't believe there is one.

FM: [Shaking head] I never thought that in all my life I would meet somebody that would say something like that. The thought of there being no God has never even entered my head.

Me: Well that's honestly how I see it.

FM: You say you don't believe in God. So are you a Muslim now then?

Me: [ With very puzzled look] No! I have  rejected religion. Why would I then go and pick another one?

FM: But how can you say that there is no God?

Me: Well, our belief system is something that is taught to us from the time we are very small. We don't ever question it. We assume it is true and just go through life looking at everything based on that presumption. But religious beliefs are just arbitrary. Each culture teaches a different faith tradition but it's not based on evidence or anything that they have investigated and found to be true. Therefore, I see no reason to believe  in any of them or any of their Gods.I just think it is better to face life without presuppositions, try to look at what is out there and see where the evidence seems to be pointing. I think you are more likely to find truth that way.

FM: David, I am not hearing you!

Me: What do you mean ? Is it that you don't agree or you don't understand me?

FM: No. I have just tuned you out. I am not hearing a word you are saying now. I don't want to discuss  religion with you anymore.

Me: Ok, I don't want to discuss this with you if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

[ Conversation continues discussing, Barbados politics, recent rains in the island, the royal wedding, the death of Bin Laden, and then]

FM: But back to you. You say you don't believe in God.

Me: So we are back on to talking about religion now?

FM: Do you know right from wrong?

Me: [Puzzled look returns] What do you mean?

FM: Can you say that anything is right or wrong?

Me: Yes, I consider some things right and other things wrong, but there are also many grey areas. I determine if something is wrong if I generally think that the action will be of harm to humanity.

FM: [ Shakes head some more]

Me: So, you have never ever had any doubt about the existence of a God? [ I asked this because I know that she at least didn't consider that the bible was literally the word of God. This had come out in a conversation we had years ago.I knew she was not fundamentalist]

FM: There are some things I don't understand, but I am 100% SURE that there is a God!

Me: Do you think that God is the one described in the bible?

FM: I told you already, I am finished talking about this!

Me: Ok, sorry

[ back to previous conversation centering on what is on TV, a gospel group is singing on the screen. It's the one I once used to play in. They are performing the song, " I am Glad that I still have Jesus." Unbelievably the family member brings up the topic of my lack of faith once again. ]

FM: So would you ever say ' Lord have mercy' ?

Me: [ Puzzled look has now become a permanent fixture on face] Maybe, but I didn't used to say that much even when I did believe. In any case I consider that to be just an exclamation. It is not really a statement of belief.

FM: So do you say prayers?

Me: No

FM: What ??? Oh my gosh!!! [ Hand goes over mouth once more]

Me: I actually haven't prayed for a long time but I don't mind if people pray for me.

FM: [ shakes head] And you think you know a person.

Me: But even if you believe in God, why would you have to pray to him if he already knows everything?

FM: [ Puts finger over lips] I don't want to hear anymore. I told you I didn't want to discuss religion with you. In fact I don't want to discuss religion with you ever again!

Me: It's ok, I respect that I just thought since you had brought it back up that............[ FM interrupts]

FM: No, I don't want to hear anymore from you! I will put you into the same category as my other family member who is a Jehovah's Witness. I never talk religion with hm either.

Me: Ok. I didn't mean to shock you or cause you any pain tonight. I am sorry this has caused you such distress. I just thought since we were family it was important to share with you how my perspective has changed. Anyway, I am still glad that in spite of our differences we are able to sit here and have a conversation.

FM: It's ok, you are still a human being.

Me: [Speechless]

God always found wanting

The Lord is My Shepherd I shall not want

This quote from Psalm 23 is perhaps the most famous line in the entire bible. Certainly the first one I learnt by heart. Looking back, maybe my skeptic mind was being developed even as  a five year old learning this. The line just didn't make any sense. Why would the Lord not be wanted? Isn't the whole point that we need to trust him to get what we want? It was years later that it was explained to me that 'want' in that context means I shall not lack for for anything that I need. Of course, that only made slightly more sense since bible believing Christians lack the things that they need all the time. Anyway, we all know that finding a sentence in the bible that does not contradict something else in the book or  in the observed world is about as easy as getting a camel through the eye of a needle. So, no need for worry here.

What I have been recognising recently is that apart from Christians being full of wants, God himself is found wanting right through the bible.  From what I hear from the sermons on the radio and television we are finding him more wanting every day. God might not have succumbed to the temptations in the wilderness but I heard during holy week about  many things God wants . He wants us to worship him. He wants us to accept him as our Lord and Saviour. He wants us to have sex only in certain ways with certain people. He wants us to go to heaven and not hell. He wants that we keep his commandments. He wants us to have faith. Yes, there are so many things that God wants us to do. And that in large part is why Christians  observe and practice the rituals the way they do. It's done like that because God wants it like that.

However, this whole 'want' thing  leaves me just as confused today as I was learning that Psalm 23 at age five. How can God want anything?  It can't be want as in having a lack of something because he is a God, a god can't lack for anything, can he? Of course when we say 'want' in the usual context it means desire. But still this poses more problems. How can God have desires?  To many in the faith this would seem a strange question. We all have desires, things we want to achieve and things we do our utmost to make become reality. Why would God be any different? Well, that's just the point, God is different.Those omni properties change everything. An all powerful God or even a supremely powerful one must be able to get what he wants especially when it relates to his creation. If God wants it surely he can get it. How could any lowly human being like us possibly resist him? If we are not following him it must be that it's his will to have it that way.

On the other side of the coin, I often  get told what God doesn't want. God doesn't want anybody to go to hell, I hear. That would seem to be an easy problem to fix. Eliminate hell and nobody will go there, simple. If you don't want a child to get shot when playing in the shed at your home where you keep your weapons, you remove all the guns you have from inside . Seems like a no brainer, but a no brainer that seems to have eluded God's grasp so far. Right about this point, the believer yells " Free will ! Free will!"  Well, if that's the reason some of  must go then it would have to be that God doesn't REALLY want the hell prevention.

We all know that if we REALLY want something no way that something like preserving free will ever stands in the way. We want less fatal accidents on the road we put in stipulations for sear belt wearing, that physically restrains people's bodies. Doesn't mean people must drive like robots though. We might have speed limits as well as seat belts  but we  have freedom still to go where we like , take any road we want once we follow the basic rules. Somehow in the curious faith world, God the maker of heaven and earth can't find an ideal balance between  freedom and protecting us from mortal danger. There seemingly is no system of reward and punishment that he can come up with that does not require the use of a torture chamber. But that's simply impossible, how can God can't? There is no way out, if God has the power to do anything, and hell exists he must be in favour of  it.

So the bottom line is this, if God is all powerful he cannot possible want anything more than what he has. The world as it is today must be exactly how he wants it to be now. So anytime a believer says, " God wants you to......." it doesn't matter what comes next its 'game over.' If God wants something for any more than a split second without getting it ,that means he is not God. It just doesn't add up that a God needs our help in order to achieve. Humans need help to get where they want to be, God the Almighty does not. The fact is that we so much want or God to be like us that we make him want, to be like us. Our wants become his. And we humans want so much, that our God is found at the end of our Holy Books just as wanting as we are.

Once we start on this wanting cycle we can't help ourselves. Not just God but the entire religion becomes about wants. We want to go to heaven, we want there to be an ultimate cosmic justice, we want there to be an external meaning of life, we want to live forever, we want there to be a guardian angel protecting us, we even want there to be a devil  in hell so we can feel euphoria that we triumphed over him, but of course most of all we want there to be a God.

Atheist meets Mormon Missionary: My in- flight discussion with Elder Troy

An atheist and a mormon were sitting together on a plane. Sorry, I wish I had a witty punch line to follow that but this, my friends, is no joke. It happened this week during my trip through the Caribbean, en route from Guadeloupe to Antigua. I always make a point of getting know a little bit about the person I am sitting next to when I am  on a plane. It adds to the whole travel experience. But when this young, white man dressed in the traditional black and white with his "Jesus Christ Church of the Latter Day Saints"  name tag, took up the seat next to me  I knew I was in for something different.

I sat and watched him settle into his seat with his Book of Mormon in hand and wondered if this little LIAT plane could handled such a potentially combustible combination of characters side by side. If that wasn't enough we were seated by the emergency exit and would have been called upon to work together in the event of  something untoward happening. Wow, that would have been a story if we had been called upon to pool our skills to save the day.

Well before I could even say a "hello" to my mormon neighbour, I knew I would be in for a fun ride . This guy was quick to announce himself to all around him and you could see he was not just another passenger. As is typical with mormons he was travelling with a companion but his colleague was sitting the row behind and the one sat next to me hardly seem to notice him. It was like he was trying to establish his own identity he was in his world a 'freethinker.' His name was Elder Troy.

Breaking down the stereotype

They say that the easiest way to break down a stereotype of a group is to take the time and really get to know a member of that group in a personal way. Even in the first minute and a half of meeting him he was breaking down a few mormon myths I had. I have always seen mormons walking through neighbourhoods dressed in pristine white shirts and silky black ties. Two blank faces staring like androids from a sci-fi movie, stalking the next unsuspecting victim looking to send them into a hypnotic trance and leave him droning, " I believe, I believe, take me to your master."But Elder Troy was nothing like that, he just oozed personality and it struck me he could be the life and soul of any party and he clearly had a wicked sense of humour to boot.

When the attractive Barbadian flight attendant was  handing out the brochure with the details on how to handle the emergency exit, Elder Troy gave a wry smile. The lady asked him that cursory question that you get in all flights once you are seated in such positions. " Would you be willing to assist in the event of an emergency?" Troy looked up and his smile got even broader. " Lady, I would be very happy to assist you even if there is NOT an emergency. I would be VERY happy to help you in any any way that I can during this flight!" I just about fell out of my seat in spite of having a tightly buckled seat belt on. This was too much. Did I really just witness a Mormon missionary hitting on a LIAT flight attendant?

The Curious Missionary
It struck me as I looked more closely at Troy that he was Elder in name but certainly not in nature. He turned to me an actually asked me many questions about myself. Where I was from and what I was doing in the Caribbean. I spoke to him about the energy project I was involved in.  He responded with excitement  "Oh energy, you mean like kinetic energy?"  he responded while punching the air in front of  him to demonstrate that he understood the concept that kinetic meant moving energy. A bit of a strange way to look at it but energy transformations usually involve some kind of movement, even solar if you look at it at the atomic level. So I responded with, "Yes, I suppose so." I spoke a bit more and mentioned something about geothermal energy. Ted laughed and told me that when I said geothermal energy he wondered if I meant energy that you  can capture in a flask or a bottle. This was an awkward moment, I was not sure if Troy was making a joke here or if it was just that he was ignorant in the subject, so I just smiled and then went on to explain what I did some more and he seemed quite intrigued. He then got  more serious  in discussion and explained to me that he was really very limited in his exposure to many things. He was not allowed even to watch TV or go on the internet very often to learn things. So even though he was 21 he felt like he was just a novice not just as a missionary novice but a total novice in life.

The Heineken Church
At that moment I felt a bit sorry for Troy but I also realised I had a great opportunity to share with him. "Do you enjoy your missionary work?" I asked him. He said that it was fun but he once again mentioned about his lack of exposure in other areas and he acknowledged that this was a challenge in many interactions with persons because they were often more informed than him and had a broader view. He then asked me a bit about my upbringing church wise. I told him I was raised in the Anglican church which over the roar of the engines   sounding to him that I was saying the "Heineken Church." Now that might not be a bad place of worship, I would drink to that. We both had a good laugh at that one.

I then thought it was about time I came clean on where I am now so I told him I was an atheist. His response was surprising, " Oh,  I know." he said casually. This stumped me, I wasn't wearing my 'A' pin at that time and as far as I could remember I hadn't said anything ungodly. Then he pointed to my i-phone which I was holding in my hand. "I saw that you were listening to something there called the Atheist Experience." I looked down and sure enough the name of the program was there etched in big white lettering on a dark blue background. During this period of travel it is very difficult for me to catch the show live or even in the days following its airing. I have therefore taken to downloading the podcasts on to my phone and listening to them while in flight. It has been great listening to Matt, Tracie, Russell and Jen battle out with  people like Mark from Austin Stone church  while I am 30,000 feet in the air. Nothing better than listening to reason when all that is between you and the ground below is two propellers and some jet fuel. Contrary to popular belief it is clear rational thinking that helps you in emergencies not " a wing and a prayer."

Anyway, after  that moment that Ted  caused me to glance at my phone I started chuckling again. Yes, he got me. He knew all along what I was he was just humouring me, waiting for me to tell him. Indeed since LIAT has open seating Troy  might have sat next to me deliberately after he saw AE on my phone just to have this conversation. By now I knew Troy was a curious traveller and he was just fascinated by the concept of The Atheist Experience. "What do they do there? What's it all about ? How does one get to have the atheist experience?" The questions kept coming thick and fast. Troy said that after he saw the title on my phone  he had visions of non believers going on to a show and being asked to choose between competing religions. I suppose he thought that an atheist was just somebody who hadn't found the right religion yet.

I, of course relished the opportunity to explain  'Atheist Experience' to Troy. This was as great a chance as I had ever had to 'evangalise.' Believe it or not this entire exchange  happened before the plane even left the ground , because I remember the flight attendant breaking our conversation at that moment to announce that the flight was about to take off and flying time would be approximately 20 minutes.  So many times in my life I had been on those long trans Atlantic flights or those across the North American continent wondering how on earth I would pass the hours. Now I had serious godless missionary work to complete and all I had was 20 minutes. But there it was, that was the time I was given to build on Troy's curiosity to sow some seeds of doubt. No, I was not looking for an instant conversion but there are enough ex mormons in the atheist movement to give me some hope.  You never know, Elder Troy  mormon missionary today could be host of 'Irreligiosophy' tomorrow.

Anyway in fairness, the curiosity went both ways. Already Troy had opened my mind by his willingness to engage me in honest conversation and was every moment breaking down some of my own stereotypes. This had the potential to be a great learning experience for us both. It was certainly the first time I had had a discussion with a mormon and I am quite sure this was his first encounter with an open atheist as well. So, I just got right to it. I told him that Atheist Experience was actually  a call in show where theists were encouraged to call in and try to justify their belief in God. Troy seemed a bit confused by this concept so I thought the best way to explain what the show was about was to actually just enact the show right there.  When I told him that  we would play 'Atheist Experience' right here he beamed. " Oh, I am so honoured to be here " he exclaimed. I told him the pleasure was all mine and then I put on my Matt Dillahunty hat and went to work.

Atheist Experience in the Air

This was not going to be a one hour show so I went straight for the jugular. "Why do you believe a God exists?"I asked. Troy for the first time since he entered the flight cabin was speechless. " That's a very good question," was his eventual reply. That was a poignant moment and a response I didn't expect. AE callers regardless of the quality of the reasons they give always have something to offer up to the hosts. Here was a man whose life to this point was all about spreading the gospel,  a man who I had come into contact while he was still dressed in uniform right in the middle of his work day.  Yet, he had no ready reply to this most basic of theological questions. It was to me equivalent to a doctor having no response when asked  why he thinks its a good thing to prescribe medicines for patients with ailments.

Troy did after mulling over the question for a while, go on to talk about his father who was a devout member of the Church of the Latter Day Saints. He spoke of how wonderfully supportive his Dad was and how much love he showed and what a wonderful role model he was. He said that having that earthly experience he could only begin to imagine how so much more magnificent his heavenly father would have to be. I was glad to hear Troy speak so glowingly about his father but I had to point out that I saw this argument as an argument from metaphor. It was just a quantum leap to jump from something you experience in an earthly sphere to assume that the same or something greater must of necessity exist in the heavens. I think he got this point but I sensed he felt I was cheapening the deep relationship he had with his dad by suggesting the love and respect they shared was merely something human.

Christianity I- Pad 2

Troy went on to say how much he saw the words of God reflected in all the love and beauty around us. Then he turned to his text. He began thumbing through the Book of  Mormon that he had in his hands all this time.
"This is the Holy Book. It is something like the bible but it has much more!" He looked at me with excitement and seemed surprised that I was not that moved. I realised that what happened there was that he was using a technique on me that he would use on the people he usually met, ie Christians. Christians even of the casual agnostic type you sometimes find in the Caribbean are generally impressed by people who show respect for the bible and its teachings. I don't think that at that point he had put together that ' it's like the bible' is not a phrase that would endear me to his product. So he continued pushing his book as if it was a bible with new and enhanced features the equivalent of  a 'Christianity I Pad 2.'

Circular Reasoning with the Angel Moroni

He went to the end of the book and started to read to me out loud from what I discovered was a Portuguese translation. I was very impressed with Troy's linguistic skills. Clearly he could proselytise in many languages. His English was flawless, he had just come from Guadeloupe where he had been speaking to the people in the street in French and now he was demonstrating he could easily handle Portuguese as well. However, by his own admission the language of science and evidence  was still very foreign to him. He started reading the words of the angel Moroni. " Oh , I know of him'." I replied. " You have heard of the  Angel Moroni!!!"  You could almost hear Troy's scream above the engines. He looked shocked that I would know of someone so prominent in his faith and then slightly perplexed that I would know of him and still not follow him. It is a bit like how so many Christians can't understand how a person could know of Jesus and the story  of the resurrection yet still reject him. " Moroni was just such an awesome guy !" he went on to tell me all about the revelation , I didn't want to interrupt him with a " No, no, no you're done!" so I waited patiently until he finished, even as I was recognising that time was starting to run out. Once he ended I followed up, " But how do you know that this is true? Why do you take this book as an authority?" He told me to hold on and continued to read the verses that came after. I smiled , it was the same as the biblical fundamentalist. The all in one package deal; claim and proof of claim neatly bound together in the same literary work. It all came down in the end to the fact that if you asked God he would tell you that the Angel Moroni was telling the truth.

I sighed, there was so much I could have said but I had to start my rebuttals or I would never be able to make a point before we landed . I could already feel the plane starting its descent. I told Troy that what he was doing was just circular reasoning. It just doesn't work to use one book to prove itself. I told him that for me I was quite prepared to accept that the supernatural was possible but once I entered the realm of faith there was simply no method available to me to separate the true from the false.  To choose any faith position and reject others would therefore be a purely arbitrary process. I explained that I couldn't determine truth through what made me feel good or because I had a devout father  that believed these things. To discover truth I had to use the only method that gives reliable answers and that was the scientific method. There was just simply no other way out there to use. I added that things like love in the world and beauty could be explained in purely natural terms without the need of a creator. I  emphasised the point that  the universe would be no less awesome just because a God didn't do it. Surprisingly to me he nodded in agreement. As the wheels  extending from the plane in preparation for landing I felt quite happy I thought that in those few minutes I had sown some seeds of doubt that Troy would go on to reflect on some more. Who knows where that will take him? I thought.

You don't want a God to exist

Then my bubble burst. Troy said the following, " So you don't believe in a God because you don't want there to be a God." This statement just floored me. How could Troy have come to this conclusion based on what I had argued? I am still trying to wrap my mind around this. So often theists think we atheists are just consciously making a choice to reject. " NO!" I said. " It's absolutely not the case. I am just searching for the truth. Whether there is a nice God, a horrible God or no God. I just want to find out. What I want to be true just doesn't come in to the equation. If the God is going to throw me into eternal hell I won't be happy but I'd still like to find out if that is so." Troy seemed to finally get it but I can't really be sure.

Everything happened by chance?
Less than a minute later, I looked out of the window and was able catch a glimpse of the world famous harbour in St. John's, the lovely greenery inland and the beautiful  supposedly 365 beaches along the coastline."So that all happened by chance." Troy said grinning. I shook my head, this was a cheeky last blow before the bell by Elder Troy. No way I could possibly explain my view about how all those things came to be  now. We were a mere seconds from touching down on the tarmac  at this point. So I agreed but stated there was some natural selection, man made contributions and other geological and cosmological elements. Not sure Troy was convinced with my answer this time but that was all I could do for now. I however thanked him so much for what was the most memorable and enjoyable discussion on a flight I could remember. We both rued the fact that the trip was so short. I wished him the best of luck and gave him my card and the link to  this blog . I really hope that Troy pays a visit sometime.

Troy, if you are reading this, maybe you can call in one day and have the authentic Texan 'Atheist Experience.' Matt and Co. are likely to bring your God down to earth with evidence and reasoning far better than I ever could have done on that day when we were cruising together above the clouds.

Atheist in the pew: The return to my church in Barbados

It was always going to be the real test. How would I handle the return to my home church in Barbados? Over the last two years in Canada I wondered how it would be. I had some friends who had told me that my atheism was culture dependent. They were convinced that my focus on reason and critical thinking was just because I was in Canada and had found a community of like minded people. Once back in Barbados with friends and family showing me the love of the Lord, I would revert  immediately to my old ways.

I knew that I could not avoid going to church on coming back to Barbados. In fact I was quite happy to go back to the place I once used to call my 'Jerusalem.' The question was when to go, I wasn't exactly in a hurry. In the end it turned out that it was not a decision I had to make . In the greatest of ironies, only minutes after making that  huge decision  to declare my atheism to the world that I talked about in my last blog post, I received a call from a close friend in Barbados who had heard I was coming into the island. She asked if I would play a solo for them on Sunday for the youth service. It was a strange feeling to say the least. She was talking to the 2009 version of me. The one that would give his time to play music to any organisation that had the spreading of the "good news" as its mandate. Her excitement on my return was palpable and I just could not say "no." In a way, I was happy that she asked me because it took away the uncertainty of when to return to church and it would be good to take part in the service like I had done so many times over the years.

The joy of being a part of it

I have reflected since my deconversion that the reason that so many people remain in their faith is because
they have things that they do in the church that keep them busy. Singing in the choir, serving at the altar, sitting on the church council, all require time, effort and commitment. Once you are doing these things there is little time to think about the philosophy or doctrine. There is satisfaction in church from simply taking on a task, doing it well and being recognised for it. It is very much like how we are at work. We often follow what we are assigned to do with little thought as to even whether we ought to have been given the project in the first place. So, as a church musician I just wanted to give my best every time and make those people listening to me happy. When I succeeded there were few feelings more satisfying.

So there it was, I would be playing at church on my first Sunday back in Barbados.On the morning in question I felt more nervous than I had ever felt before on entering the church, perhaps with the exception of my wedding day. I suppose it was due to the fact that I had anticipated this moment so much. Some nerves went away when there were so many embraces of welcome I got from people that I had known years before.The warm greetings from brothers and sisters in the faith. The next thing that hit me as the 8:00 am starting hour came closer was the numbers. This was the usual 150 odd members that I had played in front of many times but it felt like so many more. I guess it was because it had been  a couple of years since I had performed solo in front of such a large number of people, yet it was just church, regular church. Much as people talk about the 'feel good' draw of religion so much of the strength is in the raw numbers. Just being part of a community like that can lift a person.

I looked around the church as it filled up and I couldn't help smiling. I realised how much I had visualised these images and sounds over the last year. Quite a few of the posts on this blog were written while I had this place firmly in mind. Indeed, the stories of one or two in the congregation were actually the basis for some of the writings. I wondered how they would feel if they knew that the story of their lives was being used to encourage people away from the faith.

Hopscotch through the pages

Well, before I knew it, the service was under way and the liturgy  proceeded just as I remembered. It was a weird feeling recognising that the familiar was now so unfamiliar. Those who grew up in Anglicanism know that one of the most challenging parts of the service is following in the book with the liturgy. It's a nightmare if you don't know your way around. Sometimes you are required to go from something like page 50 to120 then back to  page 76. However, today I just didn't bother to even open the book. It was not in protest or a demonstration of a lack of interest. I just wanted to listen to what was being said and take it in. It struck me that making following the service like a hopscotch game was another way to make the congregation not pay attention to what is on the page. It's difficult to think about what you are reading when you are trying to figure out what page to turn to next.

Robotic Liturgy

The first thing that caught my attention as the liturgy started was how dead and dreary everything seemed. The drone of the monotonous voices was like that of my refrigerator that I am hearing as I write this. I wondered  how I had managed to survive this every Sunday morning for so many years. I thought about that common christian apologetic that says God gave us free will because he doesn't want to create us to be like robots. But " Data" from the old Star Trek series would have been decidedly animated compared to what I was seeing here. In fact the first excitement I heard in the service was an exclamation from a parishioner after the recitation of the words " hallelujah, hallelujah" . " No!" she protested audibly under her breath. " We shouldn't be saying hallelujah during Lent!" I thought " Wow!" to myself. Apart from the lack of critical thinking that religion promotes it creates worry over things that are just so trivial.

Anyway all was not lost. We still had hymns, surely at least I could enjoy those. Yes, there were a couple of my favourites in there. Nice reflective tunes that I had sung many times before and always enjoyed. But again, today was different. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to say that " He is the Potter I am the clay" or " all other ground is sinking sand."I now recognised that so many of these hymns were songs of total submission. You are basically saying to God, " Please do all my thinking for me." So in order to enjoy the tunes and not say something against my beliefs, I just sang the hymns to "la-la" right through. Must have really confused the congregation around me. Too bad though, it was really the best that I could do.

Was the  sermon meant for me?

Well, the sermon was the next thing on the cards. It was a long time since I had heard one of these. I wondered if it would resonate with me at all. The theme was escaping from 'inside the box'. The pastor's point  was that  so many of us think or behave in certain ways because society or cultures pressure us to be like that. He challenged the congregation to not let society put them 'in boxes' and confine their way of thinking. My jaw dropped. Could this message have been any more applicable to me? I was just given in the first twenty minutes of his sermon a synopsis of exactly what I had done. I had made that decision to not let my culture or background confine what I thought or believed. How great to have such a ringing endorsement this Sunday morning. Hey, I felt like shouting " Hallelujah!" myself.

Unfortunately the message didn't end there. Yes, there is always a catch in Christianity. According to the reverend, God was the only one capable of taking you 'out of the box.' No, he didn't say God can help us escape our boxes, he said God was the only one that could move us. God had all the power and we could only get out of boxes if it was His will to take us out. If he wanted to, he could miraculously change us regardless of our internal attitudes or mindset. He could give us the strength. In summary, we need to take responsibility for improving ourselves but at the same time God is the only one who is capable of making us better people. I think this is the core contradiction that appears in almost all religions. The message that tells us that we CAN do it and we CAN'T do it at the same time.

Anyway, I had to cut my analysis short because the moment of truth was at hand. It was my turn to face the congregation. My role in the service was to play the song for " reflection." Something that would put the congregation in the mood to prayerfully consider the message they had just heard. It was a very poignant moment when I walked up to the front to render the " Ave Maria." Caught up in the emotion of the moment I began to play. I had only arrived in Barbados days earlier so there was no chance to arrange any accompaniment so the sound of my clarinet was the only sound breaking the silence. I took my time and really tried to put out of my mind thoughts of what I believed or didn't believe  now. I reminisced on how often I had played this song for these very people and was still happy that in spite of moving away from them on a spiritual level I could still connect with them personally through the music. The tone of a clarinet note after all does not come combined with doctrine or dogma.
 
The note that changed the way I played


It seemed that a sea of these thoughts and reflections were going through my mind while I was playing, then something happened that just broke the flow of everything. Out of nowhere, a shrill high pitch squeak came out of my instrument. It was a bit of a shock to the system for me, I can't remember  ever playing a note over the twenty plus years I performed in that church that went awry so badly. Anyway, that immediately got me to put all the thoughts of the enormity of the occasion out of my head and just concentrate on playing the music,  getting my technique right and making sure I finished the piece with no further flaws. So from that moment on it was all about getting the notes right. I am delighted to say that it all went beautifully after that point and the mistake I made earlier in the piece was probably the wake up that I needed. The congregation it seemed were quite happy with what they had seen and heard. Interestingly no-one seemed to react to the mistake at all. Maybe they didn't hear it or perhaps they just didn't think it was a big deal. I sat back down after doing my bit in the service and was still thinking about THAT  note. Maybe I just got carried away and pushed it too hard. I could have taken a bit more time to warm up, perhaps it was partly the change in weather conditions from Canada and not taking enough time to assess the reed I was using.

It struck me as I kept thinking, that what happened during the song I just rendered was not unlike what had happened over my life coming out of faith. The piece I had just played had two parts divided by that screeching note. Similarly in my faith journey I had been brought to a screeching halt when I realised the disharmony between faith and reason. The realisation that God was not real was truly the note that had broken the peace back then.

Before I came to that monumental moment of disbelief I was, just like I did this morning, playing on the emotion of it all. I was simply feeling the music. After the dissonance came during the music I had just played,  I changed my priorities and concentrated on getting the technical details right. That was the same thing that happened when I realised that something was wrong in my belief system, I changed to concentrate on what technically made sense rather than getting taken up by emotion. That is not to say that concentrating on technical details meant throwing emotion out of the window. Indeed, this morning when I started to focus on the notes themselves, it was with a view of using them to create emotion. In determining what notes to lengthen and by how much, how long to to play in the lower register or when to bring in the diminuendos I was consciously creating the emotion of the music for the enjoyment of the listener rather than just playing by feel without thinking. The music, I hope, was beautiful both at the beginning and the end. And so it is when we compare living by faith with living without it. The output at the end of the day is just as sweet when we switch the melody and allow the mind to lead the heart.

Happy to play along

Later in the service I decided to play along with some of the hymns with the organist.  It gave me the chance not to have to sing the songs , the lyrics of most of them were now problematic for me. It gave me also the opportunity  to enjoy my playing and make up for the earlier error and finally it gave me a chance to be doing something during the communion so that my lack of participation  in the sacrament was not conspicuous. This was a relief, because I really thought I would not be being true to myself if I went up to partake of the 'body and blood 'of Jesus. At the same time I didn't want to create any controversy by refusing to go up to the altar when ushered to do so.

All in all things went well in the service after that, not withstanding the final hymn being the very famous but doctrinally disturbing, ' Onward Christian Soldiers Marching as to War.' Still an exciting tune to play though, and of course very stirring as so many songs written for the military are. I did feel a bit guilty for enjoying playing it so much, but there is little we can do to curb our bodies natural response to music. Well at least when it comes to us people of  Caribbean descent.

Final Thoughts

So, that was the story. It wasn't so bad being an atheist in the pew after all. And for those people who were skeptical about my skepticism in the face of my home religion and church community, I am happy to report that I have passed that test. Absolutely no desire to return to 'faithland.' My abiding image of the morning will be the looks on the faces of the congregation during the sermon. People really looked like there were just bodies in pews. No smiles on faces, no nodding of agreement  if they liked a  point being made or concerned looks on faces if they couldn't follow the line of argument, no notes being kept in order to ask questions after the talk was over.  That is the kind of listener behaviour I am used to now when I hear speakers in Canada. There was none of that here today. It was as if the congregation were in some sort of adult detention.  Being forced to listen to and recite lines now in order be allowed to play in heaven later. It just seems so sad  to spend so many hours of a life so short doing something that is  giving you neither entertainment nor enlightenment.

There was one other moment in that service that will stay with me forever. It happened when I looked up at the cross which hangs high up on the wall in front of the church. Over the years, I had looked upon it regularly. It was something I used to ' lift up mine eyes'  to, for encouragement. Today, I almost  fell out of my chair observing a lady staring intensely at it while earnestly belting out one of  the hymns.

"Oh my God !" I thought to myself, " That woman is singing to a piece of wood!"