The atheist's fight for survival: Can't let them define us out of existence

I can't believe that 'A' week has come back around so quickly. It seems like just the other day that I was tentatively putting my little 'A' on my facebook profile to tell the world that I no longer believe. There were many other events that went along with that which you can read about here. One year later and things have changed quite a bit. Definitely, I am more settled in my own skin but there are still times where there are remnants of guilt that I feel for speaking up against a worldview I once readily embraced. However, with every passing day things get easier.

I have to say that as much as I had anxiety when I made the decision to 'out' myself last year, I have never for one moment regretted it. I had put myself out in the open having heard many different stories of difficulties, particularly with close friends and family members. I braced myself for what I imagined would have been an onslaught of emails, messages and phone calls from friends, families and acquaintances of people expressing shock, horror, disappointment or dismay. I had practiced in front of the mirror, how I would react to the different types of responses, what I would say and how I would say it. Incredibly, no such responses ever came. No one telling me the friendship is over, no one even telling me I am going to hell. The most widespread response has been 'no response.'

It's strange, I wasn't really prepared for the silence. It's eerie, rather unsettling, because you are not quite sure what it means. Maybe, they don't care. Perhaps they are too shocked to talk. They might even agree but are too afraid to be seen doing that. Who knows? I sometimes wish they would just come right out and say something. It is interesting to me that those theists who have been engaging with me are in the main, people who I have met recently. Those for whom, I  have always been an atheist. They disagree of course but are happy to challenge and that is what I want. That is one of the big differences between living based on faith and living based on evidence. When you post something for God, you don't do it with any intention of starting a debate or discussion. You are quite happy if people just read and move on without comment. A 'click' of the 'like' button or an 'Amen' along the way and you are happy. As an evidence based person you put things up hoping that it will spark interest and you want comments, particularly dissenting comments. You want  people to disagree with you. That is how you know whether your views and arguments are sound and you help others who are on the opposite side see flaws in their argument (at least that's what's supposed to happen). However, I think our culture in the Caribbean takes over and people feel they don't want to 'rock the boat.' It's a pity.

When I look back at it, I feel as if I should have known this would happen. I blame my lack of foresight  on  spending too much time listening to religious discussions. When you immerse yourself in these, it's easy to think that everybody out there is keen to represent their beliefs and show why they think as they do. However, in reality the type of theist who will call in to 'Atheist Experience' or go out and study William Lane Craig style apologetics is rare. It's a bit of a shame. I had done all my background research, listened to online debates  with all types of theists; from the raging fundamentalists, to the mildest of agnostics. I was ready for the cosmological, ontological, teleological and other 'logical' arguments that I was sure I would have to be handling. It was like I completely over prepared for my exam. Staying up all night to study for something and then getting a super basic 15 minute multiple choice quiz in the morning. If I could understand not having a 'big deal' response here in Canada, the Caribbean was supposed to be so different, but not really. Perhaps I wasn't in Barbados long enough but the people I talked to about it, apart from this big exception here, haven't had much to say. When you think about it, it is somewhat strange. You have people strong in their convictions about their Lord and saviour, adamant that following him is crucial to the salvation of every individual on the planet. You tell them that you think they are fundamentally mistaken in this belief and that none of this stuff is true and their reply is the equivalent of, "Whatever."

When considering my  family, I have to pay special tribute to my parents. My mother in particular has come around remarkably since I first told her I was an atheist and I wrote this. While I was in Barbados I got a lot of time to explain to her how my beliefs had changed and why I made the switch. She was happy to engage in discussions and has actually now become one of my biggest fans on this blog. Dad has also enjoyed the writing  and thinks my approach to religion is healthy and is happy that I don't come across as too angry. I am glad to hear that, I want that theists can read what I write here without fear. Dad and I  share a lot in terms of our skepticism of religion, even though he remains very involved in the church. We had some very long into the night debates while I was in Barbados which I wish I had taped and could share to a wider audience. Dad tries to keep me to high standards, never afraid to point out the occasional grammatical error that may crop up in my writing here and their. I suppose dads will always be dads. I always promise him I will aim to do better with every effort and as he always tells me, when I write he is more in my corner than against me.

An atheist to us is not an atheist to them

Perhaps more than anything during the last year, I have learnt that there is quite a difference between how people define the word 'atheist.' Those who identify as agnostics I find especially interesting. Often when I get down to the nitty gritty of what they and I believe or disbelieve there is little difference if any at all. It has become quite clear to me that there is a major difference between what an atheist thinks an atheist is and what people who are not atheists think an atheist is. Essentially, it seems we atheists are defining our word in a way that nobody else in the world does.

"How can you be so sure?"
" I don't see how you can know that there isn't a God, so I call myself an agnostic."
" I can't become an atheist like you, the universe is too vast for me not to hold on to the slight possibility that there might be a God."

The first few times I got these types of  responses, I just treated them as one of those textbook atheist 'strawman' fallacies. I simply explained the usual; atheism is not a position of certainty it is just a lack of belief due to insufficient evidence, I am an agnostic as well, bla-bla-bla. I never thought it was anything major pointing this out. After all, any definition in a dictionary would tell you this. Not only that, but it is trivial to point out that  everyday in life we say that we 'know' something when in fact we don't have absolute certainty. I say that my car is parked in my garage now, because I left it there. But I really don't know that, it could have been towed, stolen or moved without my knowledge. Still, in spite of all this I don't think that people draw the parallel from this analogy  to how we define  'atheist.' They will nod and give us an " Oh I see what you mean," then go on their merry way.

You see, I don't think it matters what we say and how we explain it and how many dictionaries we show them. Theists have determined their own definition of what an atheist is and they will go with that. I have found people who have told me they are not atheists because they have no problem with religion and think that we all should be able to believe what we like and no one should be forcing belief on others. Again this is a curious response, atheism has nothing to do with attitude to religion.  I have said on numerous occasions, I still have a great fondness for many of the cultural artefacts relating to religion. The music, the art, the poetry and architecture, I still have an appreciation for those things. I find people still sometimes don't get this. They will go to great lengths to point out churches to me, hoping to rile me up. It's as if  they expect steam will start coming out of  my ears from the sight of a spire on a  tower or a cross on top off a roof. They are so disappointed when I say, " Yes, I see it and it's very beautiful."

It is clear that we have a long way to go to make atheism palatable and there are many things that need to be addressed. The first one is  this definition issue. I have heard lots of people in the secular/atheist movement claim that too much time is spent quibbling over names and what people choose to call themselves. Why do we have to make such a big deal about calling ourselves atheists? I think it is very important that we do, we have to claim the term and  more than that, define it on our own terms. It strikes me that we as atheists can become complacent in this definition game. Once the official dictionary term is in agreement with how we look at it, we feel that the battle is won, the evidence is on our side and we are on intellectually solid ground. No! Usage is what ultimately determines what words mean. Psychiatrists cringe, when people talk about schizophrenics in terms of people with a split personality. The medical books will say something quite different. It doesn't matter, meanings of words depend on  how people use them. That's why the ' just a theory' argument works so well against evolution when creationists are speaking to lay audiences. Doesn't matter what textbooks might say, it's the definition in the mind that matters. Definitions of the word 'atheist' are no different. In the minds of much of  the general public, an atheist is someone who is certain that no Gods exist.

Sometimes it is fine to let words, meanings and usages evolve naturally, but we have to be careful. In the case of atheism, I see a clear strategy at play in defining atheists as persons who are certain about the non existence of God. That categorisation virtually makes every atheist not REALLY an atheist. And that's the whole point, to wipe atheists off the map, not by some kind of coup or military operation but on a technicality, simply by defining  us out of existence. It is a subtle ploy but very effective. So successful, that even many in the secular world play into it. Non believers will regularly reject the atheist title because they are accepting the theist's definition of the word. This confusion of definitions even within our ranks creates a wedge between us, and theists often pick up our fragments that break off. It's the old adage of divide and conquer.We need to push against this, explain not only what the word means to us and what the dictionary meaning us but why the definition that they commonly use marginalises us and therefore why our definition is better. Their belief is that if they find a way to make the group called  'Atheists' an empty set, they can create the illusion that there really is no one that  believes there is no God. It creates the impression that we are all just different shades of theists with some more agnostic than others. We have to show them that to ask for certainty in order to justify the statement ' I don't believe' in a God context is an unfair double standard.  The bar is miles lower than that  for all other non beliefs in the universe. There is a song popular in Caribbean churches called " Cast your burden onto Jesus, for he cares for you." Jesus apparently cares so much that he performed a miracle on the rules of logic on behalf of his followers. He has made it permissible for believers to cast their burdens of proof unto atheists. We can't let them do it.

Not surprisingly, the faithful smile when we talk about putting away the demonic 'atheist' label and identify ourselves as humanists, freethinkers, secularists, brights, rationalists, skeptics or some other nebulous title. This is great, they would always support that.Their message is that you are free to not believe in God just as long as you don't tell us that. This allows the people in the faith world to continue living in their bubbles, convincing themselves that there is no opposing worldview. Once they can keep atheism as a fringe movement,  with the perception that we are a few angry voices yelling on the church step spitting on little old ladies as they walk in the door, their job is done.

Of course, what we hear also is that it is the word 'atheist' that is the problem. It's a harsh word that grates on the ear. It brings thoughts of communism, socialism and massacres by Hitler and Stalin. Even if we have the best intentions in our use of the word, better  for the sake of strategy to avoid it. This is an argument that I take seriously. From a personal perspective I like the word and find it empowering, however I recognise the importance of employing strategies that work and if atheist is a boulder in the road towards a secular world, I am all for tossing the 'A' word aside. This week in the US a bus ad was rejected as 'too controversial' for simply having the word " Atheists"on it. Still, I am not convinced that it is the word  itself that is the problem.

The problem I believe is the " I don't believe in God." Any word that means that is going to be rejected by the religious. So, it doesn't matter if we drop 'atheist' tomorrow and start calling ourselves 'pineapples' to show we don't believe in God. In a few years time, it would be almost impossible to get a picture of the tropical fruit on to the side of  a bus without  the vehicle being vandalised. The truth is that when people want us to change the word they mean they want a new word with a different definition. They want that there be no word in the english language that means ' a person who doesn't believe in gods.'   If  that happens, the God opposition  movement will disappear from the public square, there will be nothing left to hold the Almighty at bay. With no weapon of resistance against faith, we will be rendered impotent in the theistic battle and the Holy train will continue to steam-roll us.

If we want to have any chance of achieving the utopia of a world where people need to justify their beliefs, attitudes and decisions with evidence, logic and reasoning we have to keep fighting. Fighting for the survival of our group and OUR word.  People have told me that this is not necessary. God and evidence based living can coexist and reason can flow from faith. Some even argue that reason could not exist unless a God made it. Sorry, I can't see it. How can a foundational unchangeable belief in an entity which has no evidence to justify it give rise to a society where the need for evidence to justify ones position is at the core of all decision making? The house that results is bound to collapse on itself sooner or later.

So,  that's why I will continue to support efforts like 'A' Week. For me this year it's not an individual desire to 'come out'  to society, it's a desire to get a specific societal outcome. One where religion gets to be challenged rationally  like everything else. It seems fitting this year that 'A' Week will morph right into the Reason Rally in Washington DC on March 24th. It's almost like belonging to a church, going through Advent waiting for the big Christmas morning or reflecting during Lent in anticipation of that glorious Easter morn.

It makes me chuckle, I am right in the thick of it again. It's so great to know that this time reason is the reason for the season.

Oh What 'A' Week!

It's hard to know where to begin and end with this blog post. So much  happened to me last week. It was without doubt the defining week of my non-believer journey so far. The week during  which I came out "to the world" as an atheist. It all started with the thrill of being included as one of  Greta Christina's prominent atheists of colour.  In preparing that list for publication, Greta graciously asked me whether I preferred to be listed as caribatheist or under my actual name. It was not a very easy question to answer and I gave it a lot of thought. The truth is that I had been thinking about this issue of "coming out" as an atheist for a long time and over the last month or so the desire to be "out" had almost become overwhelming.

The longer I have been involved in this freethinking movement and read and listened to the stories of atheists who have made a break from religion, the more inspired I have become. I found myself wanting to challenge myself fully and follow them in a more emphatic way. Sometimes I even felt angry about having to  keep my new found passion to myself. I see and hear people everyday sharing the things they love with the world. The desire to fight for rights of women, children and other marginalised groups is lauded. The promotion of environmental protection and  preservation of endangered species are also considered  honourable causes. It just seems unfair that those of us that choose as our cause the  promotion of evidence, logic and critical thinking have to face vitriol.

What's wrong with "negative" atheism?

I have often heard that the problem with  we atheists is that we are too negative. Promotion of reason is a goal worth pursuing but why do we have to go about tearing down others' dearly held faith? We are told we must promote positive atheism. It  is a strange criticism because there are so many organisations that are framed in the negative. The RSPCA, RSPCC, organisations against racial discrimination and groups fighting against abuse of women are  all "anti" organisations. They are not organisations that promote something "in the positive", they promote improvement through preventing or discouraging something that is negative. Atheists are doing the same, promoting better through reducing  brain contamination that comes from accepting supernatural phenomena without supporting evidence. Promoting reason means fighting against non science, anti evidence and anti logic and these phenomena against reason are gift wrapped within the guise of religion. It's as simple as that. So, I don't think going out there and being identified and displaying an 'A' is being absurd as one commentator put it. It is just as important to stand up for want you don't believe in as to go out there on the frontline for what you believe.To me, atheists have as much right to be heard as any other organisation that has a mandate to rid itself of activities that inhibit social development.

In reflecting on these things my conviction to "come out" just got more and more intense. When I started this blog I was just trying to come to terms with not believing and adjusting to living a life without God. Now, I feel that non belief for me cannot be a passive thing. I feel I must act against the further propagation of faith and religious thinking. Atheism has become a core value of mine and I consider it necessary to engage that passion. I don't see why I should be prohibited to tell others about it. Not as an intent to impose my views but simply to let people know an important part of who I am. To present myself to someone and hide away my lack of faith is to present someone or something that is not fully me.

An instrumental taboo

I don't think that is a overstatement. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I was forbidden to go public about another passion of mine, my music. How would I have survived over the years if I had to be an anonymous instrumentalist? If people could only hear my music if I locked myself backstage or played into a remote mike at an undisclosed location? What if people told me that flaunting my saxophone in public was an insult to my family and the country in which I was raised? What if I was told that under no circumstances could I have sax on a date with someone's daughter? Supposed I had to lie and say that my clarinet case had a camera inside in order for people to let me into a party or social gathering?  What if I had to pretend in  public that I didn't know the drummer in my  band for fear of being called evil by association? What if I was not able to "like" any type of  music on facebok for fear of a mass "unfriending?"  What if I had to  scroll down an internet  page quickly for fear someone woud catch a glimpse of a title on my screen saying,
"Songs written in minor keys are not great" ? Suppose I had to remain silent about what I did on the weekend for fear of offending people by saying I was on  stage  at the local Carifest? What if I had to worry about my job and future career prospects if someone discovered a woodwind reed in my pocket?  Having to undergo any of those things for the love of music would be close to torture and would make life almost unbearable. I could never stand for any of that in pursuing my music and I resolved that I could not continue to stand for that with regard to my atheism either.

Looking for the "coming out" moment

So, I knew I had to come out. I also agree with the philosophy that the more of us that are out there the easier it becomes for others to make themselves known; especially for those of us in the black community. I knew I had to do it  but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I have for over a year been toying with doing the electronic version of the Dan Barker strategy. Send out an email copied to all the important people in my life. E-convert  to deconvert. It was tempting because that would probably be the cleanest and quickest way to do it. Compose an email  explaining I no longer believed and just get on with my life unhindered by the dogma. I did actually write that  email , but after a year it still remains in the "drafts" folder. I think the reason I never pressed " send" was because of the instantaneous nature of emails. In the 80s when we had to rely on the postal system, I am sure I would have gotten responses drifting in at a  reasonable rate over time Not so in 2011.

In the instant email world, I had fears of waking up next morning with 200 emails  asking me what happened , or facing networks formed overnight with the mandate of organising prayer meetings to try to get me back. I really thought the best method was to have a more controlled movement. Try to get a smooth landing into "out" atheism rather than hitting the ground with a jolting thud. So, I took the approach of starting with my immediate family members and then moving on from there. Well, after getting over the family hurdle I still hadn't gone further . I knew I needed to find some way to inform people en masse without flooding my inbox. The question was when to do it. It would seem strange to just pick an arbitrary day and just put a status on facebook like, " Oh by the way I am an atheist now." I needed a context within which to make the transition. I thought of leaving it to a landmark birthday, I have one coming up. I could wait until my graduation from university and declare it as part of my intellectual further degree. But all of these seemed like a bit too much of a delay. I needed some type of trigger moment for this. It didn't take me long to realise that this was just what Greta had provided me with. So there I was on the list as " David Ince a.k.a caribatheist."  And with that my two identities  became one.

The feelings after 'A' Day

On that day and those immediately following I felt a real mix of emotions; considerable excitement, a little trepidation, but mostly a feeling of liberation. I felt confident that I had made the right decision. Over time people will come to know of my deconversion as they inspect my facebook page or talk to someone who has found out one way or another. If  anyone decides to confront me about it directly I will simply respond with the truth. I am no longer worried about that. Actually, I can't help but feel that many of my theists friends know or suspect already but I wonder if they will ever talk to me about it. I think some of them will prefer not to ask because they would prefer not to know for sure. Just like the patient who thinks he has cancer symptoms will sometimes prefer not to have his fears confirmed by going to the doctor. If they choose to live in such atheistic denial I will be fine with that. I have no time to harp on such things because I am already thinking about all the new  connections I can make with my "out" status. Indeed, I made a few new friends in "A" week and in the days following. I am just so excited about how much more effective I can be as a member of the freethinking community now.

Over the last two years, I wondered on many occasions if I would ever reach the point I got to last week. It is through the support, encouragement and inspiration of the atheist community both within Calgary and the wider internet that I have made it. I  felt compelled to write an email to some of the more influential among those people and  thanked them all from the bottom of my heart. It was perhaps the most emotional email I have ever sent, it was hard to hold back the tears as I typed. On that day, fittingly during Atheist Week the  "A" for the first time went up on my profile picture and joined the sea of  'A's out there. That upload moment was a powerful few seconds. I knew then that there was no turning back. Atheist closets don't shut back. I must admit that in spite of the liberty of being an "out " atheist, I realised I couldn't just open all the floodgates. I still am very aware that just because I am not covering it up anymore  doesn't mean that I should use every opportunity to push my atheism out on others. I need to be able to show discretion and determine when is the right time. Much as  I wanted to go out there and comment on every atheist facebook thread  I just couldn't do that. So this next stage of my atheistic journey will no doubt still be a challenge.

If this was the full story of my  'A' week, that would have been awesome enough. But, it didn't end there. Random events sometimes work in mysterious ways and it so happened that Wednesday last week I returned  to my native island Barbados for the first time in two years. I had a lot of time to reflect on the way  back and think about how different a person I was since I left to live in Canada two years ago. To mark my week of liberation, I decided to wear my  scarlet 'A' lapel pin from the time I set off to the airport in Calgary until I touched down in Barbados some 18 hours later. In addition to wearing it as part of my own symbolism I was hoping that I might meet some freethinker along the way who would come up and make himself or herself known to me. Alas, that did not happen but who knows who saw what and thought what on the way.

Back in Barbados

Well, I've made it home and it is a reall delight to trade in the cold and snow for the warmth and the sea and sand. However, it didn't take  long for the wave of religion to knock me back. A friend  picked me up from the airport and she went to collect her children from school on the way to dropping me home. When we got to the school we were surprised to find a large gathering of children on the outside. We were told that they were awaiting the arrival of a student who was returning to school after a  successful battle against cancer over the last two years.  We got out and joined the expectant crowd because there was no way that we could escape the traffic to get out anyway. It was a touching moment as the tiny student arrived to be hailed by the throng of teachers and students alike. I just couldn't stop smiling.

Then, suddenly the music started up, blurting out from two large speakers, I  heard the words," I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name, He knows my name!" The students and teachers started to clap and even my friend got into the " spirit." But me, I stood frozen still, because I had forgotten. After a year of sharing discussions with skeptics in the pub, attending lectures on all angles dealing with freethought, watching Atheist Experience and meeting up with friends to watch videos of Dawkins' presentations, I had forgotten. I forgot what religion looked  like " in the flesh."

When the song reached its end the children continued,  singing the words " God can move mountains!" over and over again. It was clear that some of the students were starting to tire by this time but a teacher continued to urge them on, " Sing children sing, God can move mountains, He can do miracles, all you need to do is trust in Him!" The teacher was insistent that the children who ranged in age from 5 to 9 repeated these words.This it seemed was even more important than greeting their friend who had recovered. I knew the teacher was sincere and meant well, but I felt like a manager observing the day to day operations on the floor of an indoctrination factory. After the excitement earlier in the week with  making Greta's "A"list and the whole "coming out" thing, landing in Barbados brought me firmly back down to earth. I stood there in the midst of this excitement, realising that the task before me was huge. At that moment, as motivated as I was I had no idea where I would even start in trying to reduce this hold of religion far less trying to promote a secular nation. Still, I know that the enormity of the task is all the reason why I need to remain committed. Indeed, all of us atheists need to see ourselves as a part of this struggle.

I will be in Barbados and visiting other Caribbean  islands over the next couple of months. I have no idea what new insights I will gain during that time. What I know without doubt is that the week March 20th- 26th, 2011 is 'A' week I will never ever forget.